PHOTO | FILE Intimacy is important in a healthy relationship. Go out of your way to look attractive for your spouse, just as you did while dating.
By Shadrack N.Kirunga living@ke.nationmedia.com
Posted Tuesday, December 27 2011 at 16:37
Posted Tuesday, December 27 2011 at 16:37
Marriage. A lot has been written about it, primarily how to make it “work”. There are tonnes of books and articles discussing the problems that undermine marriage and how couples can resolve them. Marriage is such an important issue, that it is the subject of numerous theses.
As we welcome a new year, here are a few thoughts on how to make your marriage better.
Have you gotten too comfortable with each other?
What was the first thing that attracted you to your spouse? If you are like most people, it was the physical appearance that drew you.
When looking for a mate, we consider factors such as height, shade and texture of the skin, and of course, grooming. Chances are that while you were dating, you would take great care to look good for each other. You would dress exceptionally well, apply make-up, ensure that your hair was well-done, and your shoes polished.
What changed after marriage? Why do couples “let themselves go” after a few years of wedded bliss?
For the moment, let us forget the psychological component, which would point to a lowered self-esteem, an attempt to cover up issues, or trying to hit back at something or someone.
The main problem, I dare say, is what some like to call, kuzoeana. You get too comfortable with each other; anything goes, including the unflattering trousers and branded, faded T-shirts, not to forget the months-old weave. Even worse, there are some who throw hygiene out of the window, yet expect their spouse to act excited when they look their way.
This year, why not welcome back the person you closed the door on after getting married? The person who took pride in his appearance? This might just be what you need to reignite the spark in your marriage.
Stay close: Avoid Isolationism
Isolationism is one of the overriding sources of difficulties in marriages and families today. It is a situation in which a couple lacks the essential emotional connectedness that energises a relationship. The result is usually drifting apart, becoming further isolated, and getting into a cycle of an emotional “in and out” of the relationship.
What causes isolationism? It happens when one of the partners appears to deliberately refuse to participate in the marriage without a clear reason for it. The other partner may make an effort to try and make things work, and if they do not, he or she will pull back, beginning the cycle. How, then, do we deal with isolationism?
There are many answers to this question, but I consider this common saying the summary of them all: It takes two to tango. Sounds rather simple, right? Like the dancers in a tango, marriage is about two adults, who, even though come from different backgrounds, have different likes and dislikes, are expected to step and move in harmony. One wrong move, and the dance disintegrates.
Choose to cling to each other, whatever difficulty you encounter, communicate effectively, build trust, solve conflicts amicably, and another year together will be worth the effort.
Open-Heart Policy
One of the greatest barriers to successful relationships is lack of transparency.
You probably have heard of people who drive home in a new car that they had not told their spouse they were buying, or a piece of land that a wife does not know exists, or the secret bank account, or the chance meeting with an ex-boyfriend that was not mentioned, only to come up at an awkward time with devastating consequences. What about the phone that some people guard so diligently from our spouses?
A common question is how much one should reveal to their spouse. Obviously, some people feel that there is a need for some level of secrecy in marriage. The fact is that withholding information from your spouse can severely weaken trust and confidence in your relationship.
There may be reasons for individuals to keep secrets, and these should be explored on a case-by-case basis. Whatever those reasons may be, the take-home from this should be a deliberate choice to be honest with your spouse and to move towards an open-heart policy.
Finances
2011 will go down in history as the toughest year for the Kenyan shilling. Inflation saw mind-numbing price increase of just about everything, from bread to fuel. To say that times are hard is an understatement even for those with the wherewithal.
Families are in dire straits, struggling to make ends meet, and how every dime is spent must surely be of considerable interest to everyone. Inflation or not, money fights are among the most commonly cited problems in marriage.
We make and spend money on a daily basis. Obviously, some are better at it than others in one or both aspects. Yet again, this can be learned and applied to varying levels of success.
You are better off with an educated wife
You have probably heard about this one; how the pursuit of the Masters degree is supposedly breaking homes. One of my resolutions for 2012 is to go back to school and learn something new. If that is yours too, I think we’re both on the right track.
Question; what issues will you need to consider before you start those evening classes? Money, children, especially if they’re young, and of course, consent from your spouse.
However, many men are reluctant to allow their wives to further their education. I dare say that this is directly tied to the idea of the empowerment of women, and what it means to the authority of men in society. Does a more educated and empowered wife mean her partner becomes a lesser man? Absolutely not. In fact, men benefit because they get a more satisfied partner. Holding back your spouse from advancing her career will only undermine your marriage.
As for women, even as you go back to school to get that degree, consider that your relationship, or marriage, is the last thing that will be left standing when everything else gives way, and must therefore come first. Recognise that as a woman, you have many responsibilities in the family and taking time to study calls for more sacrifices by the family. Discuss the changes to expect with your spouse and children, and how, with one another’s support, you will deal with them. Your family’s support is important.
Faithfulness
Illicit affairs continue to tear away at the fabric of marriage and family, visiting untold misery on many. The 1960s in America were heralded as the years of sex revolution in which attitudes on sexuality took a major drift away from conservatism.
That revolution, in my opinion, has now permeated our society, and unfortunately we have taken the bait hook, line, and sinker. It is almost unfashionable to be faithful. The irony of it all is that it still hurts. Even those who are themselves unfaithful still feel pain when their spouses stray. This is not a new discovery, so I will not belabour the point.
Wacha mpango wa kando — I hope Jimmy Gathu will not sue me for copyright infringement for using this statement. Yet right now, nothing captures it better.
There have been many theories on how to build infidelity-proof marriages, including the fabled kukalia chapati. Many modern approaches, however, revolve around what this article is all about — working on your marriage constantly. In particular, keeping the romantic fire burning is crucial to keeping away the predator that is not necessarily the offending outsider, but also the thoughts that make straying possible.
There are many reasons people have for embracing extra-marital relationships and as the adage goes, the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. Working hard on your marriage should not aim at destroying the grass on the neighbour’s lawn but improving yours. That is the best you can do, after which of course, you have to get a mbwa kali because your neighbour may be on his way to your lawn.
Convert in-laws to in-loves
I am getting used to this introduction whenever a woman introduces her daughter-in-law. It goes like this; “And this is my daughter-in-la. oh, daughter-in-love.” It communicates both a current undesirable position (in-law) and a desired position (in-love). How did in-laws get such a bad name and can it be made better?
To the first question, I have no clue; to the second, yes it can become better. My take is that the man is probably the best bet in helping his own family to relate better with his wife.
You and your spouse also need to have a heart-to-heart discussion with each to feel understood and accepted before engaging with others outside the marriage. In-law relations need not be the war-field that they sometimes are. Instead, they are an opportunity for partnership and a rich source of support for the nuclear family.
The children
Many conflicts surrounding children are mostly due to two issues. The first is the attention they receive from their parents, especially at the tender age that happens to coincide with the early years of marriage. I get thoroughly amused by an advert where a new father camps by his child’s bedside with a video camera, waiting for the little boy to utter his first word, which he hopes will be “daddy”.
Undoubtedly, the birth of a child will reduce the attention which you and your spouse give each other. Men are especially affected by this. The problem, however, is not the diminished attention; it is how it is allowed to interfere with the marriage relationship right from when the children arrive to when they fly out of the nest.
A healthy relationship between a couple is important for the well-being of the children. The short discussion above on isolationism is a helpful place to begin — address your feelings in this matter by communicating clearly if you feel that the children are receiving undue attention. Nobody’s feelings should be belittled. (And the men said… Amen!)
The other broad issue is that of how to bring up children in general, and discipline in particular. There may be differences in standards of behaviour that each parent expects and this can lead to conflict.
Children quickly see through the parents in such a situation and can take advantage, leading to further escalation of conflict. How to train children on money matters, for instance, is a challenge to many families. When do we give them pocket money and how much? For parents of teenagers, the question of freedom looms large and sometimes threatens to tear the family apart.
The way through this maze, again, is not easy because situations are different from family to family. However, the beginning of the solution is one: having a united approach, well discussed, agreed, and jointly enforced.
Forgiveness
I have come to the conclusion that love is impossible without forgiveness. As 2011 comes to a welcome close (what with all the strikes, high cost of living, and terrorist threats), let us know that we will all be called upon over and over again to forgive in 2012. It may be for the little indiscretions of life; thank God if it turns out to be so, but it may also be for major lapses that may lead to deep distress, pain, anger, and humiliation.
Christmas is always a reminder of the greatest sacrifice ever given for humanity to find true forgiveness. On the strength of that eternal gesture, I pray that you will have the power to forgive in 2012.
Happy New Year.
The writer is a counsellor. Do you have a question on marriage? Write to skirunga@yahoo.com
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