NAGGING

A married man is more likely to abandon his wife for being nagging than for being unfaithful, the survey on the status of the institution of marriage in Kenya reveals.

It adds that 76 per cent of divorced or separated men say they walked out because their wives are constantly arguing and were disrespectful, compared to 43 per cent who say they walked out because their spouses were not faithful.

Chamber’s Dictionary describes nagging as persistently scolding or continually annoying someone else.

Behavioural psychologist Chris Hart says the nagging trait emerges every time both partners start thinking they can change each other. Then each party starts exacting from the other, culminating in feelings of neglect.

The survey results attest to behavioural psychologists’ concerns about demanding spouses. Some 59 per cent of divorced or separated men say their marriages crumbled under the weight of unrealistic expectations from their wives.

“My (wife) demands too much from me to truly deliver,” said one respondent whose marriage is heading for the rocks.

In focus group discussions during the survey, many unhappily married men spoke of dreading to go back home every evening to face querulous spouses armed with a long list of demands.

This is especially the case when the husbands are either jobless or in jobs that cannot meet their spouses’ financial demands.

Maendeleo ya Wanaume chairperson Nderitu Njoka says he is not surprised that most divorced or separated men walked out of their marriages because their wives became too nagging.

The modern marriage, he says, is growing more stressful to the male folk, thanks to a noisy attempt by women to have things done their way.

Nagging trait

But although the male folk insist that the nagging trait is gender-specific, their female counterparts say it is two-way — men, too, nag. “My husband nags a lot; (he) listens to his brothers and sisters, so what I do is tell him I am not interested in listening to what my in-laws say,” said a respondent who, however, described her marriage as happy.

Psychologist Chris Hart concedes that the nagging habit is not confined to women, and that it beats infidelity as the cause of marital breakdowns.

His advice?

“Try to accept your partner the way they are; do not try to change them; do not become too demanding, do not nag,” says the relationships expert.