There is no worth in holding on to your ex-boyfriend, it will only end up hurting you, and an innocent wife who may be trying hard to make her relationship work. Photo/FILE
By PHILIP KITOTO
Posted Monday, March 26 2012 at 00:00
Posted Monday, March 26 2012 at 00:00
Hi Philip,
I will be turning 26 soon and currently in a relationship. My boyfriend has been away for the past six months in a foreign land for studies.
I will be turning 26 soon and currently in a relationship. My boyfriend has been away for the past six months in a foreign land for studies.
We are in constant communication and not a day passes without us talking on the phone or through social networks.
My biggest concern is that I am also in contact with my ex.
My ex is like my best friend; we discuss everything and anything and I am never shy to talk about what is bothering me, and vice versa.
We have gone out once since my boyfriend left the country but we have never been intimate since I entered this new relationship.
I might still have feelings for my ex, and he does too. He shows it when we are together by buying me gifts and taking me out on lunch dates.
He does not hide the fact that he wants to have a baby with me; his plan is that my current boyfriend can have the first child while he fathers the second. Of course this arrangement is ludicrous, but part of me is for the idea.
My ex is ten years older than I and is married with two children. We became friends three years ago when I was in campus.
We are the best of friends but sometimes we do have our differences. You see, he has a tendency of cheating (although he denies it), drinks a lot, and I see how he looks at bar waitresses. Before I knew him, he had broken up with two girlfriends while he was still married.
I love my current boyfriend and he loves me unconditionally and provides everything I want.
He understands me and does not drink or smoke, which I think is a plus for me. I have not told him about my ex but my ex knows everything about him. I have tried to severe communication with my ex, but I find myself missing him and accepting his calls.
I am a Christian and do not want to jeopardise the good thing I have with my boyfriend but, on the other hand, I do not want to be “mean” to my ex because in this world you never know who you might need. My question is, should I burn this bridge with my ex? I feel like he is excess baggage. What should I do?
Hi,
The description you give of your former boyfriend is enough to make any woman run for her life. Just from reading your mail, I get the impression that all is not well.
I think you need to make up your mind what you really need in life. I am also of the opinion that when your current boyfriend gets to know of your actions, he will definitely leave you.
Values are key in life and I think you need to desire to do what is right. It looks to me like you did not actually see any problems in your relationship with your ex, even though he is married.
His being married should have raise a red flag for you. I really do not see any worth in the relationship you are holding on to with this former boyfriend; it will only end up hurting you and an innocent wife who may be trying hard to make her relationship work. Or maybe your desire is to burn to ashes the very best thing you have in your current man.
Hi,
I have been married for four years now and blessed with two children. Two years ago, I came across an alarming SMS on my loving husband’s phone.
I asked him about it but he brushed it off, saying it was just a joke. I tried my best to believe him because I trust him, but unfortunately, the same issue came up last year.
Once again, we talked about it and he promised to stop sending such messages to women and I promised not to go through his messages again.
But I cannot keep my hands off his phone.
Last week, I came across other love messages and when I asked him, he came up with the same story of them being just jokes. I am fed up with this.
Could it be that something is cooking or are they really jokes? Is he cheating on me? Kindly help our young marriage before it is too late. My trust in him has started diminishing.
Hi,
I can understand why you feel so let down by your spouse. Your husband has no excuse to send love messages to other women behind your back.
I am not sure why your talks have not been effective in dealing with the issue, but I think you need to be firm and let him see that you are hurt by his actions.
I suspect that his behaviour has some underlying reasons, and it is important that you find out what these reasons are. Be firm and loving, and do not be intimidating in your attitude and tone of voice.
Hi Philip,
I’m 27 years old, married for two years now, and blessed with a baby boy. My dilemma comes because of my wife; she has been denying me my conjugal rights, claiming that I am a sex addict and that I never get satisfied. She says that I worship sex. This always leaves me dissatisfied.
I’ve tried to get myself a mistress but due to my stinginess, I have failed to sustain a reliable woman other than my wife.
I neither drink nor smoke and I eat healthy too, which means that I have a high libido that is being underutilised. I love my wife but her behaviour is pushing me to the edge.
I feel like divorcing her and getting another woman who will fully satisfy my sexual needs. What options do I have to get what I so desire from my wife?
Hi,
Sex plays an important role in marriage. However, marriage needs more than just sex to survive. When a relationship is growing, intimacy will also deepen.
When a couple begins to place sex above the health of the relationship, then sex becomes a duty and a bone of contention, especially on frequency, like in your case.
In marriage, sex needs to remain spontaneous and the marriage must also be dynamic and spontaneous in every sense of the word.
What you have may not be a sexless marriage, because a sexless marriage is one in which a spouse feels there is not enough sex or there is no sex at all.
As far as you are concerned, you need to be more sexually involved with your wife than you are, and this is causing you problems.
If you want sex every night and your spouse only wants sex once or three times a week, you are not living in a sexless marriage. And having sex every night is not a measure of a healthy relationship.
Sex must have components like intimacy, friendship, responsible behaviour, self-control, and respect. We have bodies that are subject to pain, tiredness, and wear and tear.
We all have mood swings and our day-to-day interactions with the world affect our private life in one way or another. Having a job, studying, or just being a father or mother may take an emotional toll on a spouse and this may impact on a couple’s sexual life.
Therefore, it is better to look at sex as a mutual responsibility, an area of intimacy that requires a joint effort.
Where your spouse is in disagreement with your opinion on the frequency of sex, the best place to begin is an evaluation of the issues that stand in the way.
In your mind, your needs are not being met, so evaluate the reasons for this; for example, is it tiredness or just lack of interest, and why?
Making time for rest and relaxation, communication, undertaking an adventure together, frequent evaluation of the relationship and building a lasting friendship will be necessary to spice up your sexual life as a couple.
Knowing that the absence of an intimate bond between the two of you will create cracks in the relationship is important.
Ensure that sex does not become a god in your marriage, and that you do not reduce each other to sex objects — try and avoid looking at your wife as a sex object while she sees you as an addict. Bring some value into how you relate.
There are times when either of you will be unable to be sexually active due to either sickness or any other issue, what will happen then?
Looking for a mistress just emphasises her view of you of being an addict. And it would be unwise of you to get into another relationship. Do not start a cycle you will be unable to stop.
Hi,
I’m 25 years and hurting from a previous relationship. She was the girl of my life and I loved her very much. Then she fell pregnant and had a child, only for me to later learn that the child was not mine.
Despite this, I forgave her and continued to love her, only to realise that she continued being unfaithful. So we broke up and now I am back to square one.
What should I do to stop her from calling me? How can I find someone who can truly love me? And how will I forget her since she is still fresh in my heart?
Hi,
I guess what is still fresh in your heart and mind is the intimate moments the two of you had together. These are the consequences we suffer when we involve ourselves sexually. You need to deal with your past and put closure to what did not work.
You can only go back to her if you feel that there is still something to get out of the relationship. But I can see that she has cheated on you, even got pregnant, and continues to be unfaithful and you are not yet married.
She lacks the values that will make a great wife. Just tell her that the relationship is over and that she should not to call you. If she persists, ignore or disconnect the call. And if she is married, she now belongs to someone else; do not feel embarrassed to remind her of that fact.
I encourage you to move on, but try and do a better job with yourself. Know what you want and try to be on the same page with the one you want to share your life with. However, sex should not be the gateway or a means to finding your true love.
Philip,
Whenever I read your article, I cant help but pity those you give advice to. Your advice is so unrealistic and shallow.
Why don’t you give people the real hard truth that they need? Is that not why they write to you in the first place?
The truth hurts, but it is the best! A cheating spouse deserves no second chance, unless one is waiting for a second chance to contract Aids.
Philip, be real, even the Bible you quote from is real.
Hi,
Thank you for your views, but as much as I respect your opinion, I believe it is the wearer of the shoe who knows where it hurts.
There are many readers out there whose marriages have healed even after divorce and separations that came as a result of affairs in marriage.
I am not saying that this column condones such affairs, but we believe that the message of tolerance, understanding, open and frank talk, hope and forgiveness is what will help save the family.
I am well aware of the presence of HIV/Aids today. However, as much as that has wrecked families, so has abuse, both emotional and physical.
I believe that where there is understanding and forgiveness, wisdom for better living will come.
I know of many spouses who chose to stay together even after one or both discovered that they were HIV-positive. With medical and emotional support, they have embraced better ways of relating and being faithful to each other. Burying our heads in the sand will not help.
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