Affairs brewed in evening classes

It starts innocently —booking each other seats, sharing notes and being in the same discussion group. Then kaboom it’s a full-blown affair! ALLAN OLINGO digs into postgraduate evening programmes, the new cheating dens

In these days of cutthroat competition in the corporate world more people are finding themselves back to school. Thus the new catch phrase, "I have enrolled for evening classes for my Masters degree programme".

But it is emerging that other than learning, these classes offer a perfect breeding ground for extra-marital affairs for married couples. Here is the picture in black and white:

At the University of Nairobi’s education building, scores of young men and women in the post-graduate degree programmes are spotted in pairs rushing for their classes that start ataround 5:30 pm.

Tom, 32, who is single, shares his adventurous story.

"It began innocently with a simple chat as we waited for the lecturer in class. Within no time, we started booking each other seats, then going out or having lunch dates over the weekend," says Tom who has an affair with the hottest girl in his class.

Tom admits that he knows his classmate is married but since she has never brought this up, he ignores it.

The dates blossomed into a full-blown affair and since then, they have been intimate several times.

"When we realised we had strong feelings for each other, she opened up about her troubled marriage and that is when I learnt that she was in a ‘loveless’ marriage. I offered her the spark she was missing in her marriage," Tom says.

The two who will be graduating later this year are still seeing each other despite the fact that she is still married with two children.

Tom is not the only beneficiary of these clandestine evening affairs.

A friend Kim* who has enrolled for evening classes for a Masters degree recently introduced this writer to his latest ‘catch’ at a party we were attending.

partying with peers

Says Kim: "She is a senior banker with a regional bank and is married with two children. We shared a class and in one of our discussion groups, we shared notes. That is how it started."

Coincidentally, on the day of the party, which was on a Sunday, Kim’s new catch had lied to her hubby that she going for a group discussion in campus.

For some adventurous troubled souls, that is the life nowadays.

So why are evening classes offering a perfect breeding ground for cheaters?

Mitchell, a student at the University of Nairobi shares: "It’s a normal scene to spot a married woman flirting openly with her favourite male classmate. I think the reason is that these people find something interesting in each other, shared professions, passion and this causes the attraction".

This evening programme love spell is bewitching, she says.

She adds: "We have seen married people behave like love struck teens. They book each other adjacent seats in class, pair up on their way home, share a cup of tea before the classes and even study together in the library. It’s almost like they are teenagers discovering each other for the first time, only that one or both of them are married," says Mitchell.

According to Psychologist Kennedy Miduwa, most of these couples in postgraduate classes cheat because they miss the excitement of the early days and want to experience this fresh passion.

Interestingly, Miduwa says sex is not the only determinant of this type of relationships because the emotional factor may also come in.

The woman may be lacking affection, appreciation and support from her husband, yet she finds it from her male classmates.

Says Miduwa: "Very few couples especially men realise that their wives need to be praised and charmed frequently. Those sweet nothings may appear trivial to a man, but they mean a lot to a woman."

Passion made in campus

"She may have gone to seek academic advancement in campus but in the process she meets a man who makes her feel like a woman. When she meets such a man, she may be physically married to you, but emotionally, she’s detached. The affair is driven by a desire to put excitement and adventure into a life that was boring," adds Miduwa.

Sociologist Dr Gidraph Wairire says people get into these relationships because at home the communication lines are broken and there is no romance, trust or passion that they shared with their spouse.

"What do you expect when you have a class of people who are in boring marriages then they meet exciting people in class who share in their passion? Instant attraction and just like teenagers they’ll start flirting. They will find in their classmate what is missing in their partner and soon an affair brews," says Dr Wairire.

According to Wairire, many couples seek an outlet for their marital pressures and they always get this from the acquaintances.

Says Wairire: "In such cases, women prefer to join the gym or church groups while others enrol for evening classes. Men turn to drinking, which worsens the problem as it leads to affairs."

Wairire explains the turn of events: "In the early years of the marriage, your spouse makes you feel good about yourself. Then as the years go by, the excitement fizzles out. When such a partner finds a lover who understands them, it’s a powerful draw."

"Experiencing the fun and joy of having a new lover which comes with intense emotions, the secret meetings plus the possibility of getting caught fuels the excitement and that’s why these evening classes offer a perfect pot to cook an affair," says Dr Wairire.

In an interview with Time magazine, Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships, says most people who get into such affairs are in troubled marriages.

No plans to cheat

"In most times, she has no plans to cheat, but the friendly classmate warms her heart and floats onto her radar screen. It then starts innocently, then develops into an emotional affair. Before she knows it, she has crossed the line," says Mira.

Mira adds that once they realise that they have crossed the boundaries; they feel wonderful because it was a line they were hungry to cross. It’s a delicate balance. You either stay in a boring marriage or you look for an exciting alternative.

"If a couple does not spend time to love and appreciate each other, the marriage loses the passion that keeps it alive. This void is what pushes the aggrieved party to seek for the next best option which is to have an affair," says Mira.

So if you are planning to enrol for such classes make sure your marital house is in order, otherwise you will fall for the trap.