Monday, January 2, 2012

After deserting us, he wants to come back on his own terms



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By PHILIP KITOTO
Posted  Sunday, January 1  2012 at  19:04
IN SUMMARY
  • Forgiveness is an essential part of any relationship, but you must always learn from the hurt so as to avoid getting caught up in the same situation again. When we don’t learn our lessons, the past seems to come back to haunt us
Dear Philip,
Four years ago I met a guy through a mutual friend and we started dating. A few months later we broke up, but I later discovered that I was pregnant.
I kept this to myself for a few months because I was scared that he would think that I was telling I was pregnant to get him back when that wasn’t the case. I later told him when I was about five months pregnant.
He was supportive for about a month before he took off. I tried looking for him but wasn’t successful because even his family wasn’t helpful, either because they were covering for him or did not actually know where he was.
I decided that I wasn’t going to look for him any more so I carried the pregnancy to term and began to raise my baby on my own with the help from my parents since I was still living at home.
When my daughter was a year old he started communicating again, sending text messages asking me to forgive him. He said that he had been scared and that he had thought the child was not his. I forgave him and we decided to bring up our baby together because I didn’t think it was fair to burden my parents as they were already struggling.
After a while, he stopped being as supportive, blaming it on joblessness. Whenever I would call him, he would tell me he’s in some distant town working on something, but he never sent anything.
When my parents asked me to ask him to send me money, I had to cover for him so I stretched all I could to get the money myself. In the end, we broke up.
Now, I have met a guy who makes me happy and treats my daughter as his own. At the same time, the father of my baby has a good job now and can support his child but he says he will never send me money for anything and also calls me a gold-digger because I left him when he didn’t have a job, which is not true. My new man does everything for us anyway so I don’t feel the strain and I have a job also.
However, my daughter’s father insists that he wants to take part in raising his daughter. He says he will pay only the medical cover and maybe school fees. But I feel that it’s not fair for him to keep walking in and out of our lives. He might confuse my baby because he is not consistent.
And, does he deserve to be put on her birth certificate since he has never been much of a parent to her? I’m thinking of putting my current boyfriend (soon to be husband) because he has been more of a father to her than the biological one.
I am really confused but I want to do what is right for my baby. I don’t want to let my feelings get in the way of them having a relationship, but I’m afraid that he will disappoint her. Please help.
Hi,
I don’t want to speculate on why you did not say no to him after he ditched you and the baby the first time, but the truth sometimes hurts; when we don’t learn our lessons, the past seems to come after us to haunt us.
I know you wish things were different, but the truth as it presents itself is that you have a baby that is dependent on you and the sooner you get organised the better for the both of you.
I sense frustration and bitterness in your words, however, look at this issue wholly if you are going to get perspective in future choices. I believe you are to blame as much as he is.
First, you are the one who opened the door for his return. You should have done better homework before doing this, if at all. Second, you have learnt that he is not dependable at all, as a result, you both parted ways and decided that this was not going to lead to a marriage.
My worry and concern is whether you had healed enough to get into the relationship you are in currently. Are you there for the right reason? Are you running away from your first boyfriend for the right reasons? It is important for you to answer these questions so as to gain focus and clarity of thought.
As far as your current boyfriend is concerned, I would ask of you to be clear on what makes a great relationship. Love must be a personal choice based on a clear, sober and informed mind; values that support a healthy relationship; and a friendship that will support openness in communication.
I would also encourage you to realise that your previous boyfriend is the biological father of your daughter. You cannot, therefore, just use your current boyfriend’s name in the birth certificate. I would suggest you see the children’s department or a lawyer on what will be legally acceptable. All the best.
**********
Hi Kitoto,
I caught my girlfriend of five years cheating on me. We met with the man she was cheating with and she confessed to having cheated on both of us.
I suspected she was cheating on me when I found out that she was forwarding my love messages to this man. She used to tell him that I was the one who was desperate for her and had even deleted my pictures from her phone. She even allowed that man to change my name in her phone.
At one time, she came to stay at my place for a week and during that time, she would receive calls from a man who was my neighbour in the wee hours. I warned her about the man but she did nothing. When I confronted the man, he said she had never told him she had a boyfriend.
I think this girl is desperate to get married yet I’m not planning to marry soon. When I would tell her that we should end our relationship, she would cry and threaten to commit suicide. After we confronted her with the man she was cheating on me with, she came begging me not to leave her and I stupidly forgave her.
I love this woman but I can’t seem to forget the things she did to me. Whenever we have an argument, they run through my mind and I feel very stupid for forgiving her.
I find it difficult to trust her and always feel like she is doing something behind my back. I always ask myself:
1. Why did she have to cheat on me?
2. Why did she pretend she wanted to commit suicide when she knew she had another man?
3. Why did she delete my pictures and messages and allow another man to change my name in her phone?
4. Why can’t she avoid these men who call her so late at night?
6. If she was even a little bit caring, why could she not allow me to move on and instead stressed and depressed me?
7. What did I do to her to deserve all this?
8. If she did this to me, can she be a caring mother and a life partner?
I am planning to leave her but I fear she might commit suicide. If she commits suicide, will I be liable in a court of law? Please help me.
I am just wondering whether what you have is a genuine relationship, one of integrity.
Hi,
There is need for you to actually find out what you are looking for in a relationship. Having dated for five years, I think your relationship should have deepened with time and shouldn’t be going through the issues you are facing now. I encourage you to evaluate where your relationship is at. Let the facts help you make a decision.
The truth of the matter is that, if your girlfriend forwarded your messages to her new found lover and deleted your pictures from her phone, then I wonder what you are still doing in the relationship.
It appears like your girlfriend has chosen another life that she wants to live. The problem is that you are not a part of it, but you are afraid to make the call.
What you may need to ask yourself is whether the two of you have anything in common. Finding a life partner is finding someone of like mind and vision. Try and discover what your dream is. You may just discover that you are chasing an illusion.
**********
Hi Kitoto,
Three years ago I was wedded to a man who had separated with his wife of 10 years with whom they had four children. They did not divorce legally but rather they did it traditionally since my husband claimed he married her traditionally.
When I met him, we were both not saved but a month before our wedding, we both got saved. We did not tell our pastor about the other family because I was naive and blinded by love. And I also didn’t see the need to since the ex-wife had said that all she needed was her children and she had moved on with her life.
But I now realise she has not and tries every way to hurt me and puts a lot of pressure on my husband, maybe so that I may give up and leave. I later asked my parents why they did not stop me from marrying this man but they said things moved very fast and before they knew I was serious about him, we were finalising our wedding plans.
After our wedding, the ex-wife went to a children’s welfare organisation where she was given custody of the kids, with my husband taking care of school fees, medical care and food. And even though she works she does not want to provide even a shilling for her kids upkeep; she makes sure I spend money on her children.
During their visits to our house, she tells them to ask for so many things and I’m not able to say no to them. I treat them like my own but its not easy. I have a relatively good job, but my husband runs a business that is not doing so well and I’m forced to give all my money to take care of his children. I have had to give up so many of my luxuries for them.
Most of the time, his ex-wife insults him so much but we can’t do much because of the children. Also, I have not been able to have children of my own due to some health issue and she insults me about it.
But my main problem is that I feel drained emotionally, spiritually and physically. Though my husband is saved, sometimes he goes back to drinking. I feel like my Christian life is not fulfilled because of all the baggage I’m carrying in my marriage. This man cannot be mine alone.
I love my husband and would really want my marriage to last, but there are too many forces and circumstances pushing me out. I refer to him as my husband, but is he really my husband? Many times, I look back and wish I could turn back the hands of time. I’m now 36 years old and I fear having to live like this for the rest of my life. What can I do?
Will it be in order for me to leave this marriage and get my own man? I feel really cheated and wasted and regret everything.
Hi,
I am of the opinion that, ten years of marriage for him, with four children to his credit, is a lot of history that one cannot easily run away from.
I do not really know whether the consequences arising from the previous marriage were discussed. Also, I may not be aware of all the issues that surrounded the relationship and led to the break up, but in every relationship, responsible behaviour must be demanded from those involved.
Whether your husband’s previous marriage was done traditionally or not, there must be some form of responsibility he should have attached to his actions.
Although you met before salvation, being born again required that the two of you live by the requirements of the Bible regarding relationships and your new life in Christ. Instead, both of you chose to lie to the pastor and other family members, which entrenched a culture that would later hurt the marriage.
One thing you must remember in relationships is that, the love and attraction between lovers should be based on the lasting qualities of marriage as opposed to enjoying the temporal benefits without a futuristic view.
The demands that have been placed on you by the children’s welfare department were going to come at some point. You have to remember that when one marries a spouse with children from a previous relationship, that person is actually taking that spouse and the children.
I am not in any way dismissing him from his responsibility, but both of you, in marriage, are equally responsible for the expectations of marriage.
I would also like to state that, the way you have and continue to be treated in the relationship reveals a heart of selfishness and manipulation. It is not right for your husband to take advantage of you.
I believe it is time for you to take your stand and speak your mind on what your expectations are. He has to stop the abuse and meet his responsibility in the marriage. But I would like to caution you to use sober judgment as you seek redress on these issues.
In addition, you have children that now see you as their mother. What are you going to do? Will you throw them out? I don’t think so.
The truth is that your man needs to take responsibility. These are his biological children and you are his wife. Two wrongs cannot make a right.
You are going through a lot of pain, therefore be careful of the kind of thoughts you entertain in your mind, the communication you engage in and the company of people you relate with. Do not let your pain drive you to do wrong.
However, you should not in any way entertain abuse from him. Your inability to get children is not your making; children come from God. Since you are both church people, try and see your pastor.

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