Under instruction from a herbalist, my wife disappears for weeks

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Photo/FILE I believe strongly that deep down, she still knows that home is the place she will get acceptance. That is why even if she disappears for long, she still returns home. 

By PHILIP KITOTO
Posted  Monday, January 30  2012 at  00:00

Hi Phillip,
I have been married for five years and we have been blessed with one child. Prior to our marriage, we didn’t check our HIV status but during ante-natal clinics, my wife was found to be positive.

Later, I got tested and was found to be negative. Having undergone training on HIV/AIDS , I understood that I wasn’t perfect, and accepted my wife as she was. I supported her all the way and our son was born negative; he’s now in kindergarten.

Initially, my wife’s CD4 count was okay but it deteriorated last year and she was put on ARVs. She later, through friends, met a herbalist and stopped taking the ARVs. That is where our problems started.

She has refused to accept her condition and has been disappearing from our home; first time for three weeks, second time for two weeks and last time for three weeks at the beginning of this year. During these periods, she switches off her phone and when I ask her why, she says that those are the instructions of the herbalist.

This has left me shocked and even though I’m doing my best to remain sane and give my family the best even in her absence, it has reached a point where I’m now thinking of giving up.

The problem is complicated further by her refusal to go for counselling, and the fact that she doesn’t want any one else to know her condition, believing that the herbalist can cure her (I’m the only one in both our families who knows of her status).

We may also soon get into trouble financially: she was running a business, which she has now left to the employees. The employees have run it down completely and created debts of about Sh1 million. Since I am a guarantor to some of her suppliers, I fear that my business may also be affected.

What is the best way forward? Who can reach her in this situation? I am now even afraid that she may harm me. I urgently need your help because in spite of all my training, this situation is now overwhelming me. I lack the know-how to handle this and wouldn’t like to do something I may regret later.

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Hi,
Your wife has been going through a very hard phase in her life. Discovering that you are positive and your hubby is not can be traumatising. I am not clear on how this may have happened, but there is an element of either blame of self or other. Coupled with this is the whole issue of stigma and acceptance. I pray that you do not give up on her.

It is sad that she has stopped taking her ARVs, so take immediate steps to see how you can get her back on medication even if it means confronting the friends who introduced her to the herbalist. I believe strongly that deep down, she still knows that home is the place she will get acceptance. That is why even if she disappears for long, she still returns home.

Thank you for all the effort you have put into the marriage to bring some order and the much needed support for your child. Since you really do not know where she disappears to, try and trace her friends who I believe should give you information.

Commit your self to help your wife realise that you care and are not just being harsh and condemnatory in your communication. Be loving but firm when speaking to her about the need to get back to on the ARVs.

Since the hospital where she gave birth is aware of her condition, you could use the same avenue to give you support in bringing her to accept her condition. Let her know that you are not condemning her and will not entertain those who do the same. Gently, let her know the need to be open about her status.

As far as her business is concerned, are there ways in which you can support its management until she is more focused? Try and discuss together the status of the businesses and find out from her what kind of help she might need. Do not let things run out of hand particularly if there are debts to be paid.

We will try to find you some professionals in this area so that you can discuss the way forward.

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Dear Kitoto,

I’m a lady in my early 30s, have been in a come-we-stay relationship with my man for the last 11 years and have three children.

My biggest problem is that during all this time he has totally refused to formalise the union in any way (church, traditional, civil). Initially, he cited his poor financial situation, but even after he has made money, he still doesn’t show any interest to do so.

Our parents have met only once (during a church function) but they communicate on phone, occasionally.

The birth of our first born was the beginning of trouble as he started going drinking with his friends (who have become a priority in his life) and coming home. He also started behaving suspiciously with his phone; he can never leave it lying around and when he does, it’s switched off.

I have tried sharing this with his mother but it seems like she cannot do anything about it. During all this time I’ve also had a gut feeling that he’s cheating on me, which he denies, but I know I’m right.

Being in the farming business, he often travels upcountry and I’m beginning to feel like he has another family elsewhere because when he plans to travel, he never bothers to let me know and when he does, he just texts after he has gone. He normally comes back after three or four days. Our intimacy has also fizzled out — we haven’t been intimate for the past three years.

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I hate it when our family and friends think we live a perfect life yet I have become an emotional wreck because he won’t discuss anything with me. We have become like brother and sister yet we sleep in the same bed. I fear I will fall into the arms of another man just for the sake of feeling some appreciation but I do not want to jeopardise the life of my children.

But things are already bad since we do not do anything together as a family since he is forever busy with work; I attend all school functions for our children alone.

All this has really affected me because I now lack sleep at night and I feel bad for my children because I’m not able to concentrate on their activities, and he’s never there for them.

For example, when we went out of town for two weeks over the Christmas holidays, he kept disappearing and I had to tend to the children alone. I think he must have booked his girlfriend in the same hotel or maybe the next one.

I think I need to move on with my life without him because I’m not his wife anyway; we are just living together. But I don’t know how I will support my three children without him. I really cannot continue living like this but I do not know how to handle this situation. Please help.

Hi,
I truly sympathise with what you are going through, I know the dream of every person getting into marriage is to have a caring spouse by their side always.

There are no easy answers for the issues you have been through, particularly the emotional abuse and denial of conjugal rights. I may not really know the full genesis of the issues in your marriage, however, it looks like it has been a build up of several issues.

The fact that he has not made any attempts to make the marriage official seems to have made you feel really insecure. In addition, there is his drinking and absentee father and husband problem. I must say that I really do not like the fact that he misses all the important events in the lives of his children and sees no problem with that.

The suspicion you have concerning his faithfulness is worrying because, this issue, coupled with what you are going through can cause intense emotional pain and drain. Since you have confronted him over these issues and he seems not to care, I would suggest that you officially involve a third party.

You need to deal with the intense pain and bitterness that you have and not allow it to drive you to create more problems for yourself — another man will just complicate your life. You need to heal, clear your mind and plan your next cause of action.

Whichever way your relationship goes, there is need for him to be held accountable and responsible over his children. There are legal bodies that can help with this.