I fear campus girls will take my man

I am a 19-year-old girl  studying in one of the universities in Nairobi. My boyfriend is 21 and he is studying at another university in Nairobi. We have been dating for a while and I love him so much. Even though we are in different campuses, I have never cheated on him. He says that he loves me but I am so insecure. This is because he is handsome and his ex-girlfriends don’t get over him even though they know he is dating me. I have a feeling that he still flirts with them and many times I fear he may get tempted and give in to their sexual advances. I know I am insecure; I don’t like it and that is why I am asking for your help. I want to trust him.  What makes it worse is that women really like him and on his campus  the girls do crazy things to get a nice guy. However, I have faith in our love and I believe that love conquers all temptations, so I have confidence in our relationship. Please help me deal with my insecurities.                                                                     {Angie}

Your take:

At 19, you are too young to commit yourself to a relationship where you are already insecure. For now, just concentrate on your studies. Most campus relationships rarely go beyond the gate. Focus on your studies and Mr Right will come your way.

{Kamau Beka, Mumias}

You are too insecure and this may ruin the good relationship you have with your man. Do not put so much focus on his ‘handsomeness’ as it may work against you. Focus on building the relationship instead.

{Jerry Oyongo, Mathare North}

Angie, you need not to worry. Just discuss everything with him; from love, trust, the future to his female friends. How he reacts to this will tell you how serious he is  about you.

{Ely Aenda, Huruma}

Angie, men tend to be weak so take the initiative to fight for your relationship now that campus girls are all over him.

{Tedd Owen, Nairobi}

It is common for a woman who is dating a handsome man to feel insecure. He could be faithful but you are still insecure.

I had a friend who had such a girlfriend. She would call him every minute, which pissed off the guy. Talk to him about your insecurities and see what he says.

{Ogara George}

My girlfriend had the same issues and I had to assure her of my love. For this relationship to work, your man has to assure you of his love. Focus on your relationship and forget your fears; he may not be flirting with any of those girls.

{Joseph Oduory, Nairobi}

Part of the reason you fell in love with him was because of his good looks. That explains your insecurities.

You can either choose to trust him or end the relationship and look for a less handsome man who will not attract competition. You cannot change how he looks, so either trust him or quit.

{Tasma Charles}

You cannot stop your partner from being admired by female fans but he can control his flirting. Unfaithfulness is not caused by distance but rather one’s character and personality. If he wants to stray he will. Believe in your man and trust him.

{Sam Mburu}

Once in a while, it is okay to feel insecure, but it should not consume you.

Believe in yourself and work on the relationship. Stop worrying whether he is messing around with campus girls.

 If he’s that handsome, he’s going to get attention all the time from the women. Let him know that you are not comfortable with this. Be a woman of virtue and he’ll stick with you.

{Daimler Okora}

How long do you take to know a man before you agree to date him? There is a big possibility that you always rush things. Don’t be too desperate. Take time to learn somebody before you commit to him. Remember love is a process.

{Festus ole Musau, Nairobi}

My take:

 Insecurity is  inevitable

Angie, you need to know that insecurity is a mix of emotions, which include paranoia, feelings of inadequacy, fear of being abandoned and ‘not being in control’ of the other person.

 This is because we have a false sense of security that when our loved one is within arm’s length, we have some degree of control over them.

In most cases, what fuels insecurity is that feeling of inadequacy. The most appropriate way to deal with these feelings is to learn how to manage them.

The first step is to understand the root causes of insecurity.

Managing insecurity

Some of the factors causing insecurity are within our control while others are not.

Those factors that are within our control include low self-esteem.

Angie, you are feeling inadequate because your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends won’t get over him and this is a threat to you.

You also have the mentality that your man is weak and will stray at the slightest provocation.

The thing about self-inflicted insecurity is that it is a pointless undertaking because no amount of worry will stop the other person from straying.

The only justified form of insecurity is the one brought about by your partner. For example, if you have evidence that he is cheating on you, you have reason to feel insecure.

Learning to trust

You are worried about your boyfriend who is at the university next door.

But what will happen when he gets a high-flying job that requires him to travel all over the world?

He will always be tempted by the attractive women he will be meeting.

It will be up to him to stay faithful to you or fall into the temptation.

building your self-esteem

To do this, you need to believe that you are good enough for him.

If you continue feeling inadequate then you will always be insecure.

You also need to change that belief that he will always cheat on you when out of sight. He can do it right under your nose. Myths like men are weak, men will always stray, that they are polygamous in nature, that they need to be always watched, are all false. So shun them.

Finally, choose the thoughts you entertain.

Negative thoughts always lead to negative feelings.

{Taurus}