He said the dress was too tight then moved out

Men fumble through words whenever they feel their wives have gone overboard with their dressing style, yet all it takes is come courage, a bit of calmness and the right words. 

By PHILIP KITOTOPosted Sunday, February 20 2011 at 19:03

Hallo,

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Way back in September last year, we had a fun day at our school (I’m a teacher). I wore an official trouser suit, which my husband had complained was too tight. I had offered to change into a loose-fitting outfit, but she said there was no need, and that I was at liberty to go and ‘advertise’ myself to the world, so I left the house in my tight suit.

He called me on my way to the party, but I didn’t answer the call. The tragedy is, he has refused to talk to me since then, or even take care of our baby.
In November last year, I had a miscarriage, but he was nowhere for me. He then sent me a message saying he planned to move out with our baby, and that he regretted ever having a baby with me. Fearing for the worst, I filed a case in court and got full custody of the baby.

On December 1, he moved out of the house, carting away all that he deemed valuable to him, and leaving behind the bed, the seats and the utensils. Since I couldn’t afford the rent, I moved to a smaller house as well.

One day in January, I went to his house and found a woman I knew too well washing his clothes. When I asked her what she was doing there, she said he had requested her to help him wash the clothes (the woman is married to my husband’s colleague who had been transferred to Mombasa earlier, and the two have a two-year-old baby).

Now, three weeks ago, my husband sent me a text message telling me that I am the only woman he ever loved, and that he would want us to be a family again. He, however, requested that, before we move in together, I ask my lawyer to revoke the letter that gave me full custody of the baby.

Recently, I went to his house at night seeking his Identity Card so that I could process our baby’s birth certificate, only to find him and his friend’s wife in the kitchen, cooking.

He told me to go pick the card the following morning, but when I did, he refused to open the door. My question is: Should I trust this man now that he wants us to be family again, or should I move on with my life?

Thank you.

Hi

Most husbands do not know how to break the news that they don’t like the kind of dresses their wives wear. And those who are courageous enough either do so in a sarcastic manner, or in a way that the wife feels treated like a child.

On the other hand, some wives do not know how to take care of their husbands’ fears through the manner in which they dress. Most say they like what they are wearing, and that no one should dictate to them otherwise; while others just ignore their husbands’ comments and move on. The result is a feeling of “If I am not important in the way you dress, who are you dressing for? Who is influencing the way you dress”.

This is where your war began. Some men feel threatened—or ashamed—by the way their wives dress. When it gets there, you need to strike a deal on what is decent to both of you. When you wear too tight or too revealing clothes, many feeling you are exposing yourself sexually.

It is, however, immature for one to stop talking to the other, and to instead turn elsewhere for solace just because they disagreed on the manner of dressing. That’s why I’m inclined to believe there is more to your woes in this marriage than you have shared.

If you examined your relationship carefully, you would discover the moment your husband started distancing himself from you. Why was it so? Is it the way the two of you communicated with each other? How about the way you treated one another? There is definitely a lot that needs to come to light.

As you unearth these issues, both of you should look for ways to sort them out. Learn to talk a lot together. Listen more to each other’s opinions and points of view. Discover the things that wound your relationship, and find ways to either stop them or modify the way they are done.

Finally, it is important for your husband to realise that having your best friend’s wife at his house in the absence — and without the knowledge — of the husband is unacceptable. This is someone’s wife.

What kind of friendship is this where one is comfortable using someone else’ spouse to run errands or do domestic chores for them?

Do not overlook the fact that your man, though he has genuine grievances, should still learn the responsibilities that come with the role of a husband.

You will also need to take your place as required by God in the relationship. Dealing with the issues I have raised should precede your coming together.

Don’t sweep these issues under the carpet or walk over them as though they were not important.

All the best, and we hope that you will share with us the results of your choices.

*******

Hello,

I am trying to understand the kind of a relationship I have, and I hope you will help me. I am a university student, and I have bonded with a girl who shares most of my values. We are so tight in campus that we are the envy of many, and have been voted one of the best couples in the university severally. I am older than her by two years.

’Problem is, there are things about us that just don’t add up. When I met her, I first checked her Facebook profile, and she had indicated that she was ‘in a relationship’. When I asked her about it, she confirmed that she was indeed dating someone, so we could only be friends.

After some time, however, our friendship graduated into romance, partly because we couldn’t resist the mutual attraction, and partly because the rest of the student fraternity thought we were made for each other.

At the time, I didn’t care bout the other relationship because she rarely met with the other man, and, from the way she was behaving, it was clear that she wanted to be with me.

I had been in several relationships before I met her, and after a number of heartbreaks, had decided to become the proverbial player, dating and sleeping with anyone weak enough to see a man in me. But after I met this girl, all that changed. I became a better man, and all my life revolved around her.

I have done everything to prove my love to her. I take every opportunity to serenade her with my love, to tell her now much she means to me, to assure her of my unwavering allegiance. But she just sits there, nodding in silence without as much as an “I love you too”. She only shows some faint emotion when I hug or kiss her, then she retreats back to her cold shell.

Now her Facebook status reads ‘Widow’. I have asked her what she means by that, whether I mean anything to her; but I am yet to get a response, yet, when we started dating, she used to tell me that she loved me more than I loved her.

She no longer accepts my hugs, yet I have seen her hugging other men in campus. Now I’m moving to Nairobi from Mombasa, where we stay, and, at this rate, I don’t know what will happen. My questions are”

Does this girl love me or is she with me just for the convenience?

Is it possible to successfully continue a relationship beyond campus?

Since we haven’t slept together and she claims she is a virgin, is it possible, in this age, for a lady to remain a virgin until her marriage?

Should we take the risky path of remaining friends for now, then hook up later for marriage? (If she sleeps with another man before then, count me out)

Should we simply remain friends and forget about this stressful love business?

Please help.

Hi

Does this girl really love you? I ask because I cannot really tell if the two of you are in love. However, I do not see the key areas of agreement that connect two people. From what you have outlined, it’s clear that the two of you lack the very basic foundational values that make a great relationship.

First, your relationship lacks open and genuine communication. How come you only came to know of her relationship with another guy from her Facebook profile? Was she afraid of telling you? Did you lack the guts to ask?

If your relationship was built on authentic values, such issues would have been the first on the table because open communication offers a secure environment to exchange information without fear of rejection. The two of you, therefore, have to develop this kind of communication if your relationship is to lead to a healthy marriage.

Second, doubts and lack of trust can seriously damage a relationship. I encourage you to discover for yourself what is causing these doubts. From your mail, I deduce that yours was love at first sight — without first interrogating where the two of you came from and where you were headed.

Your entry into this relationship did not seek to clear the baggage you two had. You knew the girl was in a relationship, but both of you decided to not conclude discussion on it.

Third, the two of you have not embraced the value of full disclosure. Without this, you are building on quick sand. Doubts that build up to form major fault lines in the walling of a house can be fatal in the long run. The things that kill well-intended marriages come from the issues we fail to discuss when the relationship is still young.

Yes, it is possible to continue a relationship beyond university; yes, a girl can still remain virgin until marriage; and yes, all is possible if you work on it. Sit together, clear these issues, then see whether there is a future for the two of you.

All the best.