This long-distance marriage is a sickening sham

 

By PHILIP KITOTO
Posted  Sunday, October 16  2011 at  18:00

In Summary

• Long distance relationships often cause create more problems than benefits. But with proper communication they may work

Hi Philip,

I have been married 22 years now, with three children. My wife moved to work in the US and it’ has now been 11 years of a distance marriage. The initial plan was that she move there first then I follow with the children. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, it has been impossible for me or the children to get visas.

All the years she has been out there, we have not been communicating as a married couple should. She calls once a month or sometimes after two months. There have been no email or SMS.

When I call her, she does not pick the phone and when she does she cuts me short and promises to call back when she is free, but it can take weeks before she does that. If I send her an email or SMS, the same thing happens. I have talked to her on several occasions about this and she promises to change, but never does.

She has visited us only three times in the 11 years she has been away. I have raised my concerns and worries about our marriage. I have asked her several times that we seek help from friends, family, our pastor, or even a professional counsellor, but she opposes this, saying that God is there and He will show us the way.

Occasionally she helps me financially by sending money to assist in paying school fees for the children, who are now teenagers. They have grown up without the love and care of their mother and it makes me sad when they talk on the phone. It is as if they are talking to an aunt, that connection between a mother and her children is not there.

Mr Kitoto, I am totally confused. I really do not know what she wants in this marriage. She claims to love me and the children and that she is looking forward to when we will be reunited as a family, but this lack of communication makes me so angry that sometimes I do not feel like talking to her when she calls.

The worst part is that the extended family believes we are a happy couple and that we work closely. I feel as though she is just buying time and then one day she will drop the bombshell on me.

Share This Story

9Share

Am I wasting my time with her? I need a wife, someone I can talk to and share my achievements, sorrows, and happiness with. Please advise.

Hi,

Let me start by saying that I really empathise with your situation. I also wish to commend you for remaining there for your children. It is gratifying to know that after 11 years, they are doing well in school. Therefore, take heart, there is something good you have accomplished. Let this positive aspect be your encouragement.

I am not in a position to know the agreement the two of you had when she left for the US. I can only speak on account of the little information I have. It looks like you both tried to have the whole family in the US, but this failed.

I would not mourn over that but rather go back to the original understanding the two of you had at the beginning. Working in America is not easy, considering working hours, conditions, and stress levels of that society. Maybe this is what has made communication difficult.

But I feel your relationship, after 22 years of marriage, seems to have some other problems that are not clearly coming out. To communicate once or so in two months and not frequently participate in the education of the children is worrying.

Personally, I am not an advocate of long distance relationships of this nature. They seem to create more problems than benefits.

One thing I know will be hard to achieve is to force her to change her mind and return or to even help the family. Since she has rejected counselling and other forms of intervention that would have helped reconcile the differences, the only thing is to pray and make a conscious choice to help your children complete their education.

Your biggest problem will be to guard against the bitterness, anger, and mistrust that has crept into your marriage. I would encourage you not to dwell on assumptions.

Since calling from the US is more expensive, try to be the one who asks her what time would be convenient to call. This is what I do with my friends there. Be the bridge builder and do not give the enemy an opportunity to pollute your mind.

***************

Hi Pastor,

I am 26 years old. I have been married for six years and have a five-year-old child. We have had quite a number of problems in our marriage, leading me to believe that all marriages are like mine.

Currently, we are not on talking terms. It has been like this for some time now and is even beginning to look normal to me.

The worst part of it is that my husband, who has never gone to see my parents in the six years we have stayed together, has refused to take care of the child, including paying her school fees.

I am employed but have not been paid since I was recruited and this has been quite a challenge. He does not even want me to take on the responsibilities given to me by my boss.

We started sleeping in separate bedrooms a long time ago and I do not have any feelings for him because of his character. Pastor, I am not saying I’m good, but he has made me become whom I am now. That is, I look down upon him.

He does not care about us and even told me that he is not concerned about me any more. Recently, he told me that I should rent a house and leave him alone. I left and stayed away for eight months thinking that this would change him, but I was wrong.

Please advise me what to do since he seems to be living in denial that one day I will leave him.

Hi,

From what you have written, I can discern a number of things. One clear fact is that communication between you and your husband is poor and, at the very worst, dead. It looks like your communication has fallen apart with time — as the problems mounted — and you felt you were not being listened to.

The issue of visiting your parents is not something you can force on him. He knows the consequences of such a visit and will try everything he can to avoid it. The state of your relationship does not help this either. The best way is to find out what makes him refuse to visit. Maybe this will help shed some light on the matter.

It is also clear that your man does not care for what concerns you. I have a feeling that your lack of mutual accountability in the relationship has made him live his life the way he wants while keeping you subject to his whims (this is why he interferes with your job placement).

I also think it is wrong for him not to take responsibility for his own flesh and blood. Could it be that he thinks that by interfering with your job and not paying the fees, things will work to his advantage? I do not think so. I advise you to list the issues you feel shortchanged on and put them on the discussion table.

The other noticeable thing is that your husband is controlling and irresponsible. His behaviour of ignoring his family is childish and may need intervention, particularly if he works and does not take care of you.

Lastly, it looks like he does not want you in his life anymore. I know that no one is good. I agree that as much as you are seeking to grow, you have to face the realities of school fees and house needs. I advise you to seek the help of a counsellor or involve a mediator, like your in-laws or close friends whom you both respect.

Because of the pain you are carrying, chances are that you will not have feelings for him. You will have to make the choice between repairing the marriage and walking out with all the pain and disappointment of a wasted six years. Be strong and try to see whether you can be the avenue through which light and hope can shine in your marriage.

****************

Dear Mr Kitoto,

I appreciate the fact that you have given people like myself an avenue through which to seek advice. I’m 23 years old, have completed my studies, and run my own business. I am seven months pregnant and very happy about it. The father of my child and I split up several weeks ago.

We had only been dating for a couple of months, and mostly due to the fact that we were about to have a child. I had told him that he did not have to pursue a romantic relationship with me and I bore him no ill will.

All I wanted to know was if he wanted to be involved in his daughter’s life. After a long conversation, laying out all the responsibilities required of the two of us to raise a child, we entered into a relationship.

EVerything was going well, I had even began to love him. There were issues, as there always are in a relationship, mostly concerning the fact that he had not contributed to the expenses of the child because he is not employed. I then found out that while we were still together, he cheated on me with another woman and she is also carrying his child. I was enraged.

I had asked him before if there was anything I needed to know and he had said there wasn’t. The other woman was aware of my existence and the nature of our relationship and told my partner that he should tell me about her and the child she is expecting.

To cut a long story short, we are no longer together. Given his deceptive behaviour and rumours I have heard that he targets women with money to maintain his lifestyle, I thought trying to reconcile with him for the sake of my daughter would invite more problems.

Do you think I’m being too harsh?

He claims that he wants to be there for his child, but what he says and what he does are completely different things. His immaturity, drunken behaviour, and asking for money are telling me to bolt and never look back. Please help me because I am very conflicted about this. Thank you.
B.

Hi,

As you walk through all these issues you are facing, I would suggest that first, since you have just dated for a short period, reconsidering whether this is the kind of relationship you need is important.

Within this short time, you have discovered fundamental issues that touch on unfaithfulness, lying, drunkenness, and irresponsible behaviour in your partner.

Secondly, you need to ask yourself whether this is the kind of man you would like to have for a husband and a father to your child. If he is unwilling to change and/or if you view the issues above as being vital and non-negotiable, then walking away from this relationship now is okay.

Deal with the pain and discuss the upkeep of the baby. You cannot force change on him; he has to be willing to walk honestly and be a man of integrity. This is the time you can set these values in place.

I commend you for loving your unborn child. This child will need you in the coming days. If this man wants you, only have him on terms that are above board.