PLEASE TAKE THE COMEDY TO ANOTHER PLANET; WE’VE HAD ENOUGH

By Miguna Miguna, April 17, 2011

Now it makes perfect sense. It took me one whole week to discover the full extent of the ingenuity surrounding the theatrical performance of the Ocampo Groupies Comedy Show. And boy, what a show!

I am sure many Kenyans haven’t completely figured out why Ocampo’s most illustrious suspects - Uhuru Kenyatta and William Ruto – needed 120 comedians to accompany them to and parody our national anthem at Den Haag on April 7th and 8th, 2011.

Many commentators have pooh-poohed their display, calling it juvenile and disgraceful; but I am sure few fully appreciate the length of time and resources that the intricate and delicate preparation the PNU/KKK’s “presidential front-runners” and their numerous wealthy conservative Moi orphans and YK’92 soldiers required.

Had it not been for four interesting incidents that occurred successively both here and in The Netherland, the Ocampo Six’s spectacular ingenuity would have remained buried forever. Not anymore. Those four occurrences revealed to me the sheer resourcefulness of the “two presidential front-runners.” That’s why I will no longer take their determination and chutzpah for granted.

As I was reading the electronic version of the Kenyan newspapers on Thursday, April 7th, I noticed something quite strange on the front-page of the Daily Nation, the Standard and The Star issues of that day. I am sure many readers saw the same thing but didn’t realize what a goldmine it was. It might look innocuous on first blush; but its significance hits you like a ton of bricks the moment you try to reflect on it.

Various local photojournalists took this picture of Uhuru walking beside the Minister for Public Health and Sanitation, Beth Mugo; his cousin. Next to Ms. Mugo was the Kenya’s ambassador to The Netherlands, Prof. Ruthie Rono. The three were walking from the aircraft and heading either to the VIP Lounge at Amsterdam Schiphol International Airport or to a stretch limousine that had been hired, at the public expense, to transport both Uhuru and his cousin to a seven star hotel, also booked with the tax payers’ shillings.

But wait a minute; I said to myself. There is something funny about that picture. I couldn’t figure it out immediately. I re-examined the picture; first on the Daily Nation’s website, then the Standard’s and finally The Star’s. Yes, it was the same picture; the same smiles. It looks like one photojournalist took it and shared it with his compatriots. I looked again and noticed what didn’t seem right. “What is that Uhuru is struggling with?” I asked myself. Clearly, Uhuru was carrying a fairly large bag – what North Americans call a duffle bag; the same type that gave O.J. Simpson away (remember him?).

Apart from his “fame” (or should we say infamy?) as an ICC suspect; Uhuru Kenyatta also happens to be the Deputy Prime Minister of the Republic of Kenya, the Minister of Finance, the M.P. for Gatundu South, the putative leader of Kanu and the son of the first president of Kenya, Jomo Kenyatta.

On top of that, he is known to be very wealthy, all standards considered. By virtue of each category I have enumerated, Uhuru has numerous bodyguards, errand boys and hangers on. On that trip to Den Haag alone, he was accompanied by no less than ninety such “servants.” Although some had traveled ahead of him, there were many that accompanied him. But even those who had traveled earlier turned up at the airport to meet him; many were allowed into the VIP Lounge. In an unusual display of loyalty, Ambassador Rono commandeered her entire embassy staff to the airport to “meet” Uhuru. Any of those underlings could have carried Uhuru’s bag, as they usually do on arrival of such reified visitors.

So why was Uhuru struggling with a visibly heavy bag as more than ninety “servants” swarmed around him as they sang our national anthem discordantly? The answer to that question, like all hidden truths, would soon force itself to the surface.

The second interesting thing was the number of the comedians that traveled to The Hague. By any standards, having more than one hundred people accompany any suspects to the International Criminal Court is unprecedented.

For weeks, the suspects, their spin doctors and supporters had cleverly sold the story of the 120 comedians’ travel to The Hague to the gullible media as “escorting our heroes” or “giving moral support” to them. But why so many; did the 120 comedians have to accompany the suspects to show their love, loyalty or support? The spin didn’t make sense and couldn’t put to rest the lingering suspicions on the real motives.

Many argued that the Ocampo 3 - Uhuru, Muthaura and Ruto - were trying to intimidate the ICC and the Prosecutor. The misguided thinking was that if the three could show real muscle by transporting hundreds of their supporters to Den Hagg (and following the highly charged and ethnically divisive “prayer rallies” that preceded the trip), the Court would think twice before it could detain the three or dismiss the admissibility challenge that the PNU/KKK faction had filed.

It was argued, irrationally, that the large number of comedians would scare the judges and prevent them from committing the three to trial as doing so “would jeopardize regional peace and security”.

This was the argument made at the equally comical “shuttle deferral diplomacy” that failed even before it landed before the UN Security Council’s table. That comedy show cost Kenyan tax payers in excess of Sh. 300 million.

The comedians’ arguments were incoherent, illogical and unconvincing. Yet, I still couldn’t fully understand the reasoning behind the large number.

The third incident was a debate I had with the PNU/KKK’s and President Mwai Kibaki’s Chief Strategist, Peter Kagwanja, on the Breakfast Show on Citizen TV on Thursday April 14th. During the show, Kagwanja lamented that “Kenyans spent lots of money; enough to resettle all the IDPs languishing in camps.” Kagwanja also knew the number of PEV cases the CID and AG’s Chambers were handling. He also claimed that the cases facing the six suspects should be handled either politically or through the hobbling TJRC process. Then it hit me like lead.

The PNU/KKK gang doesn’t want those who committed crimes against humanity in 2005-2009 prosecuted. They have refused to see the ICC process for what it is: a criminal proceeding against six individuals for crimes against humanity they allegedly committed. There were no political crimes unless they want to confess that they committed them for a political purpose. And of course, there would be no forgiveness without full confessions from the culprits. Forgiveness can’t be compelled by force. Nor is the TJRC process a criminal or judicial process.

Clearly, Kagwanja wasn’t suggesting that the cost of air fare, accommodation, land transport and food of the 120 comedians was enough to resettle all IDPs. A rough estimate puts that cost at about US$300,000 or about Shs. 24 million. On the other hand, the Ministry of Lands estimates that the IDPs’ resettlement requires about Shs. 7 billion. In other words, to resettle all the IDPs still in camps, we need another Shs. 750 million on top of what the cost of the comedians’ joy-ride.

So, why was Kagwanja lamenting?

The fourth incident, reported in the Standard headline of Friday April 15th, provides some clue. According to the story, one of the Ocampo Six lost a bag containing US$10 million; equivalent to Shs. 840 million at the JKIA on Monday, April 11th. Although the Standard has retracted the story due to a libel threat by Uhuru, a denial of loss by the Kenya Police (remember them?) and “a problem concerning the actual weight of such a large sum;” I have a more plausible theory that needs serious consideration. I said theory!

Clearly, there was a missing bag at JKIA on April 11th. One of the Ocampo Six had been seen with a visibly heavy bag going to and returning from The Netherlands. All three national newspapers carried that distinctive picture (truth is an absolute defense).

Apparently, some bag went missing, with all its contents. Some claim the bag contained money; others say it only contained a lap top, mobile phone(s) and some other “valuables.”

But that’s not the issue here; is it? The Standard story didn’t name the person who lost the bag. But Uhuru has apparently threatened the Standard with libel. Why? Isn’t it the media’s role to inquire into such matters? Why would Uhuru want to gag the media when the Standard never named him? Does he represent all the Ocampo Six? The story said “one of the Ocampo Six!” Three of them arrived at the JKIA on April 11th. Why is Uhuru defensive?

In politics, denial is considered confirmation. In this case, there wasn’t anything to deny if the story was false because nobody had been named.

But consider the following with me: if each one of the 120 comedians had been given US$1 million of our money to carry to Amsterdam that would be US$120 million; which is equivalent to Shs.1.08 billion. This is much more than the Shs. 840 million that was allegedly lost at the JKIA.

Those questioning how such dough can pass through security screening don’t know the use of the diplomatic bag. Remember, too, that except for Joshua Sang, all the Ocampo Five use Diplomatic Passports.

Was the “theft” staged? If so why? If not; why isn’t anyone openly coming forward to explain what was lost?

Before this brouhaha, the media was awash with the controversy generated by the “acquittal” of William Ruto over corruption allegations. The State Law Office and the Kenya Police have traded accusations over “who is to blame” for that acquittal.

Apparently, both the AG and the Police are suggesting that one of them deliberately concealed evidence by failing to call material witnesses and by ensuring that those called “turned hostile on the prosecution.”

But the same AG hasn’t announced that he will appeal the judgment. Nor have the Police charged those responsible for concealing evidence or giving false testimonies thereby subverting justice. Why haven’t Ruto and Hellen Chege Njue been charged with obstruction of justice? Yet, the same “government” issued a ridiculous statement through the “Government Spokesman,” Alfred Mutual, claiming that “Ruto will automatically return to Cabinet now that he has been cleared.”

Of course, they don’t care about the Accord and the Constitution, which are clear that only the leader of each coalition party decides who sits in Cabinet on their respective sides. Nor do they have good faith and good manners!

Are those the Police officers conducting “credible” investigations into PEV? Are the prosecutors the ones from the same State Law Office that the VP Kalonzo Musyoka has stated is gearing up to start prosecuting PEV suspects by latest September this year? Are these the “reformed” judicial institutions that have been reinvigorated by the new Constitution and that the admissibility challenge at The Hague is pegged on?

If those bumbling idiots are the ones we are told can prosecute the Ocampo Six; can’t you see why nobody – definitely not the ICC – can believe in and trust the Comedy Troupe in charge of our state affairs? Kenyans have said a resounding “NO” to impunity; no amount of threats, intimidation or orchestrated theatre will change that.

Please, take the comedy to another planet. We have had enough.


Mr. Miguna is the PM’s advisor on coalition affairs. The views expressed here are his own.