Posted Sunday, January 2 2011 at 12:16
In Summary
- Despite the fact that I found her in bed with another man, I want the best out of our marriage. I have talked to her so many times, yet every discussion bears the same result: I do the talking while she does the listening. Now my energy is spent, and I fear for our kids
Hello Mr Philip Kitoto,
I don’t know whether I’m addressing this to the right person, but since the invitation to write in indicates that Mr Philip Kitoto leads the guidance and counselling team, I know my concerns will reach you.
First of all, let me congratulate you and your team for the very interesting and, sometimes, heartbreaking stories you run in the newspaper. My Mondays are now much, much better.
As my name suggests, I am not a Kenyan national, but a Dutch, even though I’m married to a Kenyan. I came to the country in October 1995, when I landed a job in the horticultural sector, running a flower farm in Naivasha.
I met my wife four years later (in October 1999) and it was love at first sight. I knew immediately that I was going to marry her, and so, two years later (in July 2001) we got married. Our daughter was born a year later in April 2002.
Life in Naivasha was quite okay, although the job was a bit stressful and tiresome, what with working seven long days a week!
However, I was fortunate enough to get some shares in the company, thus, for me, the long hours weren’t that dreary because I knew they added to my financial kitty. The salary was not that much, but it was enough to give us a comfortable life.
In October 2006, our second born, a son, added to the joy of our family, and everyone seemed happy for us. To many of our friends, we were (and still are) the perfect couple, living the perfect marriage.
Soon after the boy was born, there was an interest from abroad for the takeover of the company, and this suited me very well since I knew the monies involved would guarantee our daughter a good start in primary school.
I have always been against sending our children to boarding school, and I had started the search for a reputable day school for our daughter. Since Naivasha did not have good institutions, and since the company had already attracted the eyes of an international investor, we moved to Nairobi in 2007, where, I believed, were better school choices.
During our stay in Naivasha, we never had any serious problems in our marriage. I am not saying things were perfect. They could have been better, but the on-job pressure was too much.
In the first six months of our stay in Nairobi, everything went quite okay. I had decided to start another (smaller) farm closer to where we lived, and this kept me busy.
However, after the six months, things started to go wrong, even though I did not realise this initially. It started with my wife going, every second Sunday, to a ‘Women’s League’. At first, she was away between 2 o’clock and 5 o’clock in the afternoon, but soon graduated to between 2 o’clock and the next morning.
Later, I got to know she had started a relationship with a guy from this ‘Women’s League’. Her sisters also got wind of this affair, and made sure it was terminated immediately.
But, a few months later, she started another relationship with another man. The partying and going out went from bad to worse, and, soon, she was away every weekend.
By September 2008, she was almost uncontrollable. I was very disturbed by this turn of things, especially after I managed to locate her after a weekend of partying during which she did not sleep at home. She had left on a Saturday, and I found her in bed with her boyfriend in South B the following day.
I called her parents to discuss the whole situation because I wanted to save the marriage and give our children the perfect family and a better upbringing than my own.
Our daughter was six years then, and the son two. And they have gone through hell since then. A month after I caught her in bed with another man, my wife transferred Sh100,000 to her boyfriend’s bank account. As if that was not enough, I found pictures of him and my wife in my own bed. She had maintained contact with him through e-mail and telephone.
Today, my wife does not spend any time with the children or me. She hardly talks to me, and, most of the time, yells to both the kids and I.
After a bad 2009, I hoped 2010 would be better, but I was wrong. She spend the whole of last year partying every weekend and not telling me where she was going or when she would be back home. She consistently came back in the wee hours of the morning.
I have talked to her so many times, but every discussion bears the same result. I do the talking while she does the listening. After that, nothing changes. I have really tried to keep our marriage intact, but things have become so difficult and unbearable.
I don’t know what to do. My energy is spent. And it is not that I am scared to seek a divorce, but that I know very well that this will not solve my problems.
I also know that this situation cannot continue much longer, and I have always hoped that she would change and become, again, the woman/mother that I love. I love and care about her so much, and she knows that. And I know she is taking advantage of this fact to do whatever she wants.
I can’t understand how she cannot care about her own children. For the last two years, it feels very much like I am a single parent. Fortunately, we are financially well of and I am self-employed, otherwise I would definitely have lost my job and became financially ruined. That said, I can’t concentrate on my work, and always make a lot of mistakes, which cost me a lot of money.
Mentally, I am completely finished. I don’t know what to do any more and am seriously stressed. I know for a fact that I have not been a good parent to my children of late since I keep thinking about the situation.
I don’t have any friends any more because I have distanced myself from them to concentrate on the issues at home and to be with the children.
After all is said and done, I agree with the statement of purpose at the bottom of this page; the family unit in Kenya is a shambles. Nearly all the people I know have problems. Not a single marriage seems to be in order.
I think this has a lot to do with the technological age were are living in. The whole Internet and mobile telephone craze seems to be more like a curse then a blessing.
Your words of wisdom would be appreciated, and thank you.
Marco van Sandijk.
I don’t know whether I’m addressing this to the right person, but since the invitation to write in indicates that Mr Philip Kitoto leads the guidance and counselling team, I know my concerns will reach you.
First of all, let me congratulate you and your team for the very interesting and, sometimes, heartbreaking stories you run in the newspaper. My Mondays are now much, much better.
As my name suggests, I am not a Kenyan national, but a Dutch, even though I’m married to a Kenyan. I came to the country in October 1995, when I landed a job in the horticultural sector, running a flower farm in Naivasha.
I met my wife four years later (in October 1999) and it was love at first sight. I knew immediately that I was going to marry her, and so, two years later (in July 2001) we got married. Our daughter was born a year later in April 2002.
Life in Naivasha was quite okay, although the job was a bit stressful and tiresome, what with working seven long days a week!
However, I was fortunate enough to get some shares in the company, thus, for me, the long hours weren’t that dreary because I knew they added to my financial kitty. The salary was not that much, but it was enough to give us a comfortable life.
In October 2006, our second born, a son, added to the joy of our family, and everyone seemed happy for us. To many of our friends, we were (and still are) the perfect couple, living the perfect marriage.
Soon after the boy was born, there was an interest from abroad for the takeover of the company, and this suited me very well since I knew the monies involved would guarantee our daughter a good start in primary school.
I have always been against sending our children to boarding school, and I had started the search for a reputable day school for our daughter. Since Naivasha did not have good institutions, and since the company had already attracted the eyes of an international investor, we moved to Nairobi in 2007, where, I believed, were better school choices.
During our stay in Naivasha, we never had any serious problems in our marriage. I am not saying things were perfect. They could have been better, but the on-job pressure was too much.
In the first six months of our stay in Nairobi, everything went quite okay. I had decided to start another (smaller) farm closer to where we lived, and this kept me busy.
However, after the six months, things started to go wrong, even though I did not realise this initially. It started with my wife going, every second Sunday, to a ‘Women’s League’. At first, she was away between 2 o’clock and 5 o’clock in the afternoon, but soon graduated to between 2 o’clock and the next morning.
Later, I got to know she had started a relationship with a guy from this ‘Women’s League’. Her sisters also got wind of this affair, and made sure it was terminated immediately.
But, a few months later, she started another relationship with another man. The partying and going out went from bad to worse, and, soon, she was away every weekend.
By September 2008, she was almost uncontrollable. I was very disturbed by this turn of things, especially after I managed to locate her after a weekend of partying during which she did not sleep at home. She had left on a Saturday, and I found her in bed with her boyfriend in South B the following day.
I called her parents to discuss the whole situation because I wanted to save the marriage and give our children the perfect family and a better upbringing than my own.
Our daughter was six years then, and the son two. And they have gone through hell since then. A month after I caught her in bed with another man, my wife transferred Sh100,000 to her boyfriend’s bank account. As if that was not enough, I found pictures of him and my wife in my own bed. She had maintained contact with him through e-mail and telephone.
Today, my wife does not spend any time with the children or me. She hardly talks to me, and, most of the time, yells to both the kids and I.
After a bad 2009, I hoped 2010 would be better, but I was wrong. She spend the whole of last year partying every weekend and not telling me where she was going or when she would be back home. She consistently came back in the wee hours of the morning.
I have talked to her so many times, but every discussion bears the same result. I do the talking while she does the listening. After that, nothing changes. I have really tried to keep our marriage intact, but things have become so difficult and unbearable.
I don’t know what to do. My energy is spent. And it is not that I am scared to seek a divorce, but that I know very well that this will not solve my problems.
I also know that this situation cannot continue much longer, and I have always hoped that she would change and become, again, the woman/mother that I love. I love and care about her so much, and she knows that. And I know she is taking advantage of this fact to do whatever she wants.
I can’t understand how she cannot care about her own children. For the last two years, it feels very much like I am a single parent. Fortunately, we are financially well of and I am self-employed, otherwise I would definitely have lost my job and became financially ruined. That said, I can’t concentrate on my work, and always make a lot of mistakes, which cost me a lot of money.
Mentally, I am completely finished. I don’t know what to do any more and am seriously stressed. I know for a fact that I have not been a good parent to my children of late since I keep thinking about the situation.
I don’t have any friends any more because I have distanced myself from them to concentrate on the issues at home and to be with the children.
After all is said and done, I agree with the statement of purpose at the bottom of this page; the family unit in Kenya is a shambles. Nearly all the people I know have problems. Not a single marriage seems to be in order.
I think this has a lot to do with the technological age were are living in. The whole Internet and mobile telephone craze seems to be more like a curse then a blessing.
Your words of wisdom would be appreciated, and thank you.
Marco van Sandijk.
Hi Marco,
When I received your mail, I read through it several times, and I still couldn’t believe my eyes. I must say you have really tried your best to keep your marriage together.
I can also sense a lot of disappointment in your words. As you mentioned, your children need support and motherly care, which is currently unavailable.
However, I encourage you, first, to remain a loving dad to those children. Your children should not be left to suffer because of the wilful mistakes of the parents. They have already been through a lot, with the mother away at moments when they would need her most.
Second, you have done your best in seeking a solution to your marital issues. Although this has not produced the desired result, you have continued to hope that your wife will change. You have gone to the extent of involving your in-laws. However, you are at a desperate moment in this journey. My worry is what these events could end up doing to you and the children in the long run. How much can they endure?
Having said that, I must say that there is something desperately wrong with your wife. No right-thinking spouse would regularly leave her children to go for personal enjoyment. Her actions speak of a desperate woman that needs urgent help. If this help has to succeed, then the root of her problem must be dealt with.
I suggest a professional counsellor, for I am of the opinion that her problem started way before you moved to Nairobi. The truth is that you were not aware of it. It may be associated with you being away for long hours at the farm. Whatever the case, I encourage you to remain focused, first on the children, then on how you can find a good professional family counsellor for your wife.
You still have an opportunity to help her. I cannot fail to understate that the battle you have is not easy, and I pray that you get the courage and strength to fight for her restoration, even if the marriage never ends up working. At this rate, if left on her own, she will soon crumble emotionally.
Addictions vary, but, in general, they are defined as a strong emotional and/or psychological dependence on a substance, such as alcohol, sex, pornography, food, gambling or drugs, that has progressed beyond voluntary control. One thing that is clear is that your wife suffers from sexual addiction.
Whole family affected
And when a spouse is a sexual addict, it’s not just her mental and emotional health that is affected, but the health and well-being of the whole family as well. I am not an expert of addiction, but there are plenty of resources out there from where you can seek out help.
There is a way addicts take their spouses hostage. They somehow decide the overall health of the relationship: how they will live their lives, and who their friends will be, all at the expense of other people’s feelings.
When a person struggles with an addiction, more often than not, they don’t even realize they have a problem. For example, your wife’s addiction has impaired her judgment — as well as created a conflict — because of her behavioural patterns.
Even if she does not change now, you, as her partner, are the closest friend who needs to heal, so that you can bring about change that will start within yourself.
All the best Marco, all the best. Hang on there buddy, you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Again, all the best, and keep an eye on those kids.
Posts
Getting a professional help is the best option, but if that will not help, get a divorce for you and your children's sake. This world is monstrous, it can swallow you as you look. Make the kids your priority!
ReplyDeleteDIVORCE PAP!
ReplyDeleteMacro U dnt sound 2 be religous fellow, U need 2 get spiritual intervention to open your eyes nose & mouth, Then Run, Run 2 a VCT near U!
ReplyDeleteu r on da right tract step no.1 speak up a loud. (hoping u r not trying to embarras her 2 bring her back home.)
look 4 helicopter ministries or any other near u....................
b-o-l
Strange
ReplyDelete2 years... its a long time wasted on someone who does not love you back. DIVORCE... it will hurt but not any worse that what you have been through. Get out for your sanity and love those kids for the both of you. You deserve better and so do the kids
ReplyDeleteI agree
ReplyDeleteSorry about everything Marco. sounds like you have been doing your very best to hold stuff together. But remember that being the only sane parent for now you need to make the right decisions for your kids, and for this you need to be at peace too. I suggest you seek a temporary separation to gain some perspective and to show your wife that you are serious about change. Get her help from a shrink where you can both attend and see how it goes. But dont allow the kids to watch her spiral, or be subjected to her shouting and her behaviors. While she seeks help, tell them that she is awy for help and will be back. At the end of the day, be Strong, pray and know that no pain is permanent. Things will change. But you have to do something about it. I wish you the best Marco. You sound like a very good father and husband. We have few of those in Kenya nowadays, and the thought that somebody is taking this for granted is just sad.
ReplyDeleteWhoaaaah!!...love sucks...and marriage is so not simple!!
ReplyDeleteTrue.
ReplyDelete