Almost a year ago, Kenyans saved themselves a tonne of trouble by passing over Coalition for Reforms and Democracy candidate Raila Odinga for the presidency.
Had we not elected Jubilee’s Uhuru Kenyatta, the country would be roiling in turmoil to protest at the dictatorship that would have ensued.
Cauldrons of rumour given the veneer of respectability by being presented as official reports would have been the scythe with which to harvest political rivals. The Truth, Justice and Reconciliation Commission report is one such collection of rumours.
It likely would have been used as a basis for a full scale state-sanctioned witch hunt targeting landowners for dispossession, local investors for prosecutorial persecution and legitimate property owners for dispossession.
Tenants would have stopped paying rent and demanded shareholding in houses they did not build, therefore crashing the property market and costing the country billions of shillings.
No new title deeds would have been issued in Kibera, let alone Kilifi, and the existing ones would likely have been cancelled.
Globally, Kenya would be hanging its head in shame at the humiliation of its citizens being tried in a foreign court by alien judges for imaginary crimes. False witnesses, multiplying with each new day, would have become feverish with their lies.
The Attorney-General would never have had the opportunity to make his peroration to the judges of the International Criminal Court, complete with lessons on how to interpret the Rome Statute.
The African Union would have been mute in the face of imperial harassment, race hunting and disrespect for Kenya’s sovereignty.
The Almighty, looking down at the injustice wrought below, would have wept and cursed Kenya with sterility and sickness and smitten every tall building with lightning.
WEEKLY PUBLIC RIOTS
Meanwhile, the country would be running on riddles as civil society organisations ran amok promoting homosexuality and intimidating brave police officers into committing suicide at the hands of criminals armed with toy pistols and other crude weapons.
Gallant officers who had served their country in the armed services and the police would have been humiliated and demoralised by pesky inquiries into why they sneezed at the smell of cat litter.
Attending weekly public riots would be made mandatory, as would monthly rotational strikes by teachers, nurses, soldiers, farmers and police officers to just show how democratic the country was.
Nobody would be paying tax as the country descended into a freebies nation with no regard for Value Added Tax on food and books, and people who had refused to work demanding free food, medical care and schooling as if this Kenya had metamorphosed into Communist Russia.
Kenya would have become the laughing stock of the world because of its low self-belief. World powers would be testing their half-baked economic policies on the country as they mined titanium, drilled its oil and gave nothing in return.
The offensively low numbers of Chinese in the country would have yielded an uncontrolled explosion in the number of stray dogs. Before you know it, the country would be dealing with a rabies epidemic.
The presidency would be stuck in the analogue era, never once appearing in matching white shirts and ties and never inviting anyone of significance to tea at State House.
Children growing up under this chaotic regime would never sit under a tree surfing the Internet on their new laptops unable to feel the sting of the rain, the wind or the sun.
Mercifully, that will never come to pass.
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