Making Political Lemonade.

JANUARY 5, 2013 2 COMMENTS

“mwanasiasa aliniomba kura
akiniahidi yote atatimiza
baada ya miaka tano anarudi na kitambi
bila kutimiza
nina pastor ka jirani yangu nilimwamini
kufa na kupona
nikitoka kwangu, naye anaingia kuzali
na bibi yangu

niki-hustle juu chini ili nivuke border
wananigeukia
niki-hustle juu chini ili nivuke border
wananigeukia”

niki-hustle juu chini ili nivuke border
wananigeukia
niki-hustle juu chini ili nivuke border
wananigeukia

Chorus
nimtazame nani, nimwamini nani (nani)
wananigeukia
vigeugeu… vigeugeu… vigeugeu wananigeukia

Kigeugeu- Jaguar.

The season of political (re) alignments is here again. Coalitions are built…coalitions fall apart. Some coalitions have already fallen apart, and others, we all know, will soon fall apart.

As I was busy building coalitions with EABL and excel spreadsheets, turns out some political party decided to build a relationship with yours truly. I didn’t get the memo though. Apparently, I am so valuable to them, that they waived the registration fee. I presume that my membership card has been sent through the mail.

Now, I figure I could do one of two things.

a)     Complain to the registrar of political parties and demand for answers and de registration (Why should I de register when I didn’t register in the first place)

b)     I could make lemonade and run for political office.

Well, I have chosen to go with Option B! Yes, I have decided to join in with the madness and contest for political office. I am ‘consulting’ with ‘my people’ and I shall make my announcement shortly. I am also building coalitions with ‘likeminded’ politicians and a major announcement will be made shortly.

I know you are probably wondering what I stand for as a politician. Well, after much thought and careful consideration, I have come up with the key points that will govern my tenure in office.

i)                    Corruption

I shall to the best of my ability, cut under hand deals and take bribes. I will ensure that I enrich myself whilst criticizing this practice. Preach water, drink the most potent wine! any project in my area of jurisdiction, will be done at half the pace, for twice the price. All projects will be advertised in the newspaper pull outs. How else will you know I am ‘working for my people’? I shall build latrines that will never be used and then use up to ten times the project cost to ensure that a special full color supplement runs on all the dailies.

ii)                   Health care

Everyone has a right to access medical facilities. I also have a right to seek premium healthcare treatment in the finest hospitals in the USA or the U.K. Okay fine, I might consider South Africa, but I generally don’t believe in African Hospitals. As I will not be be able to help my people much, I will attend funerals and console the bereaved. I shall also use funerals as platforms for political rallies.

iii)                 Agriculture

Let’s face it folks… bad agricultural practices and rain shortfalls is good for business. Do you really expect me to support proper agriculture? We will have a glut! How will I then import maize into the country? Wacheni jokes!

iv)                 Education

Here is how I see it… the smarter you are, the more problems you are likely to cause. I shall however, constitute a committee to look into upgrading the education system. As the chair of this committee, we shall have to go and study education systems in Jamaica, Trinidad and Tobago, Tahiti, Mauritius, Hawaii… Places with great institutions of learning. I also think it’s a great idea to study management from soccer coaches. That is why I shall have to keenly study the following matches Arsenal Vs Manchester United. Manchester City Vs Manchester United. Arsenal Vs Chelsea and the Champions League finals. I will have to be pitch side for this games. This is important how? Well, I don’t know yet, but I will figure it out then.

v)                  Political Party Status

I shall be available to the highest bidder. If possible, I shall do the following;

a)      Form my own political party

b)      Hold a delegates conference and vow to form a coalition with other parties

c)       Sell my political party to the highest bidder.

d)      Sell myself to another political party that same evening.

e)      Defect to another coalition (after being paid again) and claim to have listened to ‘my people’ huko mashinani.

The above five point plan will see my economic status expand and your pocket contract. In five years, I shall have amassed enough wealth to bribe people to reelect me. what makes me different from my opponents is that I am honest. All those who disagree with me are now my political detractors who have been paid! So, for 2013, Kura Kwangu, lakini Kula Nitakula Peke Yangu! Tukutane kwa debe!

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