Enough is enough: I need a lil’ mpango wa kando

By PHILIP KITOTOPosted Sunday, February 27 2011 at 18:00

In Summary

• I have never been sexually satisfied since I got married. I have never slept with any other man in my life because my husband married me a virgin, and I have remained faithful to him all through. I have brought this issue to his attention several times, but he always gets worked up, and ends up telling me to go sleep with someone else if I feel he is not doing a good job

Hello Philip,

I am a lady aged 24 and married to a man aged 33. We have been together for the last five years and have a daughter aged four.

My dilemma is; I have never been sexually satisfied since I got married all those five years ago. I have never slept with any other man in my life because my husband married me a virgin, and I have remained faithful to him all through..

I have brought this issue to his attention several times, but he always gets worked up, and ends up telling me to go sleep with someone else if I feel he is not doing a good job. Some time back I suggested that he goes for a medical check-up, but he refused, saying I was the one who, in fact, needed medical help.

I am now confused, and I think I should leave this man and look for someone who can take care of me and make me feel like a woman, otherwise I will be forced to have a mpango wa kando, which I know is very wrong.

Please advise me because this problem is killing me softly.

Thanks,

Lucitah.

Hi,

First: What does sex mean to a man or a woman? What is sexual satisfaction, and how do you measure it? As I said in one of my earlier articles, what you are asking goes beyond the act of sex in marriage to the purpose of sex.

Since sex was created for the pleasure and mutual satisfaction of both the man and woman within the marriage institution, it is unfair for one person to seem to have an upper hand, or seem to enjoy the sex more the other. It is, therefore, sad that your husband does not see the issues the way you do.

On the other hand, could it be the result of the way you have approached the issue with him. For example, sex for a man is about conquering. As a result, most men will feel useless and non-performers if told by their wives that they (the wives) felt nothing; that they were not satisfied in the least bit.

We must appreciate that many sex advocates, including the mainstream media, the Internet and magazines, have corrupted the definitions of expressions such as “sex” or “sexual pleasure”. These role models in sexual education have depicted women as sex objects and as toys men enjoy whenever they want.

But, what makes up satisfying sex? To a woman, sex is about how you treat her, appreciate her and affirm her in her daily life. This is what lubricates the body and prepares her for fulfilling sex. It is the whole journey.

That is why the command of marriage for the man is to love and treat the woman with understanding. In turn, this will end up in the mutual satisfaction of both.

The journey of the woman towards sex, as a result, can be long and, in many cases, tedious for the man. That is why many leave their wives unfulfilled. On their part, men tend to be aroused pretty fast.

Through this column, we encourage our readers to discover the truth for themselves. Many books have been written on this subject, and I propose that you look for some material that will help you understand you part in lovemaking.

Some of these books include: Intended for Pleasure; The Act of Marriage; and His Needs-Her Needs.

Both of you must take time to learn what makes the other tick. Of importance is for you to treat your man with respect and choose the right words to use when discussing the issue.

Finally, maybe there are other issues standing in the way of your lovemaking. Sex has everything to do with how we both feel about the relationship; how our bodies feel, what our day was like, and whether I find pleasure in the moment together. In essence, the feeling of being used should not be part of the package.

Going for a compromise will just complicate your life. Don’t walk a road you will live to regret. I believe you can work on your self-esteem, your attitude and timing to help improve the situation. Don’t just blame everything on him.

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All the best.

******

Hello Philip,

I am really pleased with the way you tackle the questions asked. I am a born-again single lady, aged 31. The issue of being unmarried has been affecting me of late.

To me, it is not a bother because I believe God has a man in store for me. However, I’m under a lot of pressure, especially by my aging mum, to get married. She keeps telling me that she wants to see my children before she dies. As a result, I dread meeting her, and rarely travel upcountry.

I have been relationships before, but all ended after the insistence of the men to have sex before marriage. Sometimes I wonder whether there is any real worth in remaining sexually pure until marriage, especially now that I’m so lonely.

I have prayed about the issue, but it seems God does not listen to my prayers. What should I do now?

Marya.

Hi Marya

Thank you for the compliment and, on behalf of the team, thank you for the support. It is people like you who keep this column going, people who are not afraid to ask, to share.

Being single is not a crime, neither is it penance for our actions. Because of you, I am pleased to announce to the world that there are still women of value out there. Relationships should not be built on sex. Our carnal appetites have left many hurting, others regretting the choices they made.

No single lady or man will leave below their full potential just because they were not married. Of course you will miss the companionship and children, but the thought that God created us for a purpose should linger heavily in our minds.

Just as there are many singles who never—to use an expression beloved of the young—‘tasted’ sex, who live wondering what it would have been like if they had; there are equally many singles who are today regretting falling victim to the urge. There are some things that, once done, are hard to undo, and we have to live with the consequences of our actions for the rest of our lives.

Keep you integrity and please God rather than letting your life be used for temporal pleasure. Being a Christian myself, I can guarantee you one thing: that God says he has a plan for you, a plan for good, not evil; a plan that will give you a future full of hope.

Remember also our Lord Jesus Christ and the Apostle Paul’s life. They lived full lives for God as singles. Take your encouragement from them. By the way, I have met many single ladies like you who have made a choice not to compromise in any way.

Wait on God for your gift.

*******

Dear Philip,

I have relationship with a man 10 years older than me. Does sleeping with a man many years your senior make you old? Kindly advise. 

Carolyne.

Definitely not! However, ensure that you have done you homework well. For example, what makes you sure that the two of you are suitable together?

How would you like your relationship to look like 10 years from now? Would it bother you, a few years from now, that he is older than you?

Before you get to the sleeping together part, work through the emotional, sociological, and psychological issues you might face as a result of the age difference.