Media pledges to offer MPs free ego massage
By Kay Kay
Remorseful about a recent cartoon that failed to massage MPs’ egos, the Kenyan media has pledged to offer free ego massages to all MPs regardless of their gender. This generosity of spirit is also said to have been motivated by recent events in Uganda where a newspaper that failed to adequately massage the egos of the country’s political elite was shut down.
As the Ugandan case has proved, unmonitored media practice can be very expensive. Being neither too clever nor too dimwitted, the Kenyan media has figured that offering MPs free ego massage is the best way to avoid being monitored. The chairman of the Editor’s Guilt Mr Malaria Kaitu says the country’s top editors will lead the way in massaging the egos of the legislators.
“We are guilty of failing to massage our politicians’ egos. Personally, I confess that I have been spending more time massaging my beard than our politicians’ egos,” said Mr Malaria, who is known for his trademark bushy beard. According to Mr Malaria, editors from all media houses had held a crisis meeting and agreed to devote more time, space and energy to giving politicians ego massage.
Cartoonists and reporters, he said, would in particular be encouraged to offer free services. Columnists, satirists, TV talk show hosts and investigative reporters have also agreed to jump into the generosity train. “I’m profoundly remorseful for my journalistic transgressions of the last five decades,” said veteran journalist and columnist Phil Kachieng’.
“I’ll now devote the remaining days of my career to massaging our politicians’ egos.” Mr Kachieng’ said he will trade his poison pen for a massage oil tube and aptly re-name his column, which is now known as the Fifth Column. “Henceforth, my column will be called the Fifth Bed,” said Mr Kachieng’, who is in his 70s. Another columnist-cum-blogger Kibeti Wa Terero has also pledged to take a new career path as an ego masseuse.
The columnist, who writes for Watu wa Jumapili, said she will now use her sharp pen and tongue to pedicure MPs toenails. “I promise to be the best ego masseuse in Kenya. I never do half measures or half massages,” said Ms Wa Terero. Famous investigative reporter Mo Mali said he is no longer interested in digging up scandals and will devote his life to scouting for therapeutic minerals and oils that will be used in massaging our politicians’ sensitive egos.
“The first site of my minerals prospecting will be called “Massaji ya Maego ya Mababe,” Mr Mali disclosed. On their part, TV talk show hosts have promised to give their viewers stimulating television henceforth. Instead of the traditional combative, fault finding programmes, talk shows will be turned into live ego massages for MPs. Of course, they will be renamed Touch Shows.
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