By PHILIP KITOTO
Posted Sunday, October 16 2011 at 18:00
Posted Sunday, October 16 2011 at 18:00
In Summary
- Long distance relationships often cause create more problems than benefits. But with proper communication they may work
Hi Philip,
I have been married 22 years now, with three
children. My wife moved to work in the US and it’ has now been 11 years
of a distance marriage. The initial plan was that she move there first
then I follow with the children. However, due to circumstances beyond my
control, it has been impossible for me or the children to get visas.
All the years she has been out there, we have
not been communicating as a married couple should. She calls once a
month or sometimes after two months. There have been no email or SMS.
When I call her, she does not pick the phone
and when she does she cuts me short and promises to call back when she
is free, but it can take weeks before she does that. If I send her an
email or SMS, the same thing happens. I have talked to her on several
occasions about this and she promises to change, but never does.
She has visited us only three times in the 11
years she has been away. I have raised my concerns and worries about our
marriage. I have asked her several times that we seek help from
friends, family, our pastor, or even a professional counsellor, but she
opposes this, saying that God is there and He will show us the way.
Occasionally she helps me financially by
sending money to assist in paying school fees for the children, who are
now teenagers. They have grown up without the love and care of their
mother and it makes me sad when they talk on the phone. It is as if they
are talking to an aunt, that connection between a mother and her
children is not there.
Mr Kitoto, I am totally confused. I really do
not know what she wants in this marriage. She claims to love me and the
children and that she is looking forward to when we will be reunited as a
family, but this lack of communication makes me so angry that sometimes
I do not feel like talking to her when she calls.
The worst part is that the extended family
believes we are a happy couple and that we work closely. I feel as
though she is just buying time and then one day she will drop the
bombshell on me.
Am I wasting my time with her? I need a wife, someone I
can talk to and share my achievements, sorrows, and happiness with.
Please advise.
Hi,
Let me start by saying that I really empathise with
your situation. I also wish to commend you for remaining there for your
children. It is gratifying to know that after 11 years, they are doing
well in school. Therefore, take heart, there is something good you have
accomplished. Let this positive aspect be your encouragement.
I am not in a position to know the agreement the
two of you had when she left for the US. I can only speak on account of
the little information I have. It looks like you both tried to have the
whole family in the US, but this failed.
I would not mourn over that but rather go back to
the original understanding the two of you had at the beginning. Working
in America is not easy, considering working hours, conditions, and
stress levels of that society. Maybe this is what has made communication
difficult.
But I feel your relationship, after 22 years of
marriage, seems to have some other problems that are not clearly coming
out. To communicate once or so in two months and not frequently
participate in the education of the children is worrying.
Personally, I am not an advocate of long distance
relationships of this nature. They seem to create more problems than
benefits.
Hi,
One thing I know will be hard to achieve is to force her to
change her mind and return or to even help the family. Since she has
rejected counselling and other forms of intervention that would have
helped reconcile the differences, the only thing is to pray and make a
conscious choice to help your children complete their education.
Your biggest problem will be to guard against the
bitterness, anger, and mistrust that has crept into your marriage. I
would encourage you not to dwell on assumptions.
Since calling from the US is more expensive, try to
be the one who asks her what time would be convenient to call. This is
what I do with my friends there. Be the bridge builder and do not give
the enemy an opportunity to pollute your mind.
***************
Hi Pastor,
I am 26 years old. I have been married for six
years and have a five-year-old child. We have had quite a number of
problems in our marriage, leading me to believe that all marriages are
like mine.
Currently, we are not on talking terms. It has been like this for some time now and is even beginning to look normal to me.
The worst part of it is that my husband, who
has never gone to see my parents in the six years we have stayed
together, has refused to take care of the child, including paying her
school fees.
I am employed but have not been paid since I was
recruited and this has been quite a challenge. He does not even want me
to take on the responsibilities given to me by my boss.
We started sleeping in separate bedrooms a long
time ago and I do not have any feelings for him because of his
character. Pastor, I am not saying I’m good, but he has made me become
whom I am now. That is, I look down upon him.
He does not care about us and even told me that
he is not concerned about me any more. Recently, he told me that I
should rent a house and leave him alone. I left and stayed away for
eight months thinking that this would change him, but I was wrong.
Please advise me what to do since he seems to be living in denial that one day I will leave him.
Hi,
From what you have written, I can discern a number
of things. One clear fact is that communication between you and your
husband is poor and, at the very worst, dead. It looks like your
communication has fallen apart with time — as the problems mounted — and
you felt you were not being listened to.
The issue of visiting your parents is not something
you can force on him. He knows the consequences of such a visit and
will try everything he can to avoid it. The state of your relationship
does not help this either. The best way is to find out what makes him
refuse to visit. Maybe this will help shed some light on the matter.
It is also clear that your man does not care for what concerns
you. I have a feeling that your lack of mutual accountability in the
relationship has made him live his life the way he wants while keeping
you subject to his whims (this is why he interferes with your job
placement).
I also think it is wrong for him not to take
responsibility for his own flesh and blood. Could it be that he thinks
that by interfering with your job and not paying the fees, things will
work to his advantage? I do not think so. I advise you to list the
issues you feel shortchanged on and put them on the discussion table.
The other noticeable thing is that your husband is
controlling and irresponsible. His behaviour of ignoring his family is
childish and may need intervention, particularly if he works and does
not take care of you.
Lastly, it looks like he does not want you in his
life anymore. I know that no one is good. I agree that as much as you
are seeking to grow, you have to face the realities of school fees and
house needs. I advise you to seek the help of a counsellor or involve a
mediator, like your in-laws or close friends whom you both respect.
Because of the pain you are carrying, chances are
that you will not have feelings for him. You will have to make the
choice between repairing the marriage and walking out with all the pain
and disappointment of a wasted six years. Be strong and try to see
whether you can be the avenue through which light and hope can shine in
your marriage.
****************
Dear Mr Kitoto,
I appreciate the fact that you have given
people like myself an avenue through which to seek advice. I’m 23 years
old, have completed my studies, and run my own business. I am seven
months pregnant and very happy about it. The father of my child and I
split up several weeks ago.
We had only been dating for a couple of months, and
mostly due to the fact that we were about to have a child. I had told
him that he did not have to pursue a romantic relationship with me and I
bore him no ill will.
All I wanted to know was if he wanted to be
involved in his daughter’s life. After a long conversation, laying out
all the responsibilities required of the two of us to raise a child, we
entered into a relationship.
EVerything was going well, I had even began to
love him. There were issues, as there always are in a relationship,
mostly concerning the fact that he had not contributed to the expenses
of the child because he is not employed. I then found out that while we
were still together, he cheated on me with another woman and she is also
carrying his child. I was enraged.
I had asked him before if there was anything I
needed to know and he had said there wasn’t. The other woman was aware
of my existence and the nature of our relationship and told my partner
that he should tell me about her and the child she is expecting.
To cut a long story short, we are no longer
together. Given his deceptive behaviour and rumours I have heard that he
targets women with money to maintain his lifestyle, I thought trying to
reconcile with him for the sake of my daughter would invite more
problems.
Do you think I’m being too harsh?
He claims that he wants to be there for his
child, but what he says and what he does are completely different
things. His immaturity, drunken behaviour, and asking for money are
telling me to bolt and never look back. Please help me because I am very
conflicted about this. Thank you.
B.
B.
Hi,
As you walk through all these issues you are
facing, I would suggest that first, since you have just dated for a
short period, reconsidering whether this is the kind of relationship you
need is important.
Within this short time, you have discovered
fundamental issues that touch on unfaithfulness, lying, drunkenness, and
irresponsible behaviour in your partner.
Secondly, you need to ask yourself whether this is
the kind of man you would like to have for a husband and a father to
your child. If he is unwilling to change and/or if you view the issues
above as being vital and non-negotiable, then walking away from this
relationship now is okay.
Deal with the pain and discuss the upkeep of the
baby. You cannot force change on him; he has to be willing to walk
honestly and be a man of integrity. This is the time you can set these
values in place.
I commend you for loving your unborn child. This
child will need you in the coming days. If this man wants you, only have
him on terms that are above board.
No comments:
Post a Comment