WHO STOLE MORE?

It’s been asked numerous times: Who won the 2007 presidential poll? But that’s a silly question. The more appropriate would be, who stole more votes during the 2007 presidential poll? But even that is an inane question.

Looking at the election petitions for parliamentary and civic seats across the country, one forms the firm opinion that theft and malpractice were not to blame.

After all, political aspirants are generally very civic and honourable people. It’s unthinkable that they would steal. They don’t steal money, so why would they pinch votes?

Theft is something that politicians cannot stomach. It’s no secret that you can get away with rising to your feet in the chamber to announce, on national television, that when you see a woman’s legs, you shiver.

In fact, such honourable pronouncements earn you gales of laughter and much foot thumping from the other honourables. But if you mention the word ‘steal’ in that hallowed chamber, you will be amazed by the cacophony of points of order from very irate honourable members.

Stealing votes

Now, if honourable members are totally incapable of stealing votes, why is it that some court-ordered vote recounts are comically different from the ‘official’ results announced after the polls?

The answer is simple. Kenyans have pathetic arithmetic ability. Look, counting is a basic arithmetic skill.

In fact, it’s just about the first thing that little kids are taught as soon they learn to say, "Mama." Even in the poorest slums in this country, kids who are barely five can count up to ten. Unfortunately, these skills vanish at employment.

time up

Look at polling clerks. The simple matter of counting 1, 2, 3, is, to them, so tough that they could as well be engaging in calculus or such other cerebral and abstract aspects of maths. Or maybe we just hire daft clerks who failed maths — the kind who scrawled only their sorry names on the answer sheet during KCSE and went to sleep till the examiner said, "time up."

After hiring these mathematically challenged clerks, who have little motivation because they are aware that they will only be paid a month later after kidnapping the DC, we compound matters by requiring them to count votes in a battlefield.

On one hand, there are aspirants spewing stale saliva into their faces. Then we have political party agents in ill-fitting suits who shout at everyone and everything.

Polling clerks

Between these warring parties, we have battle-hardened cops who are armed to the teeth. And outside the counting hall, we have drunk supporters itching to go at each other’s throats and at the polling clerks who they assume are cooking votes.

Is it any wonder then that vote recounts indicate that most election results are not based on actual counts but mis-arithmetic occasioned by frightened and wooly headed poll clerks?

Be that as it may, neglecting to count 10 votes is careless. But anyone who can forget to count 10,000 votes in favour of one aspirant deserves a medal.

And no — that’s not electoral fraud. It’s a miracle.