Things men do for love

A man will do anything to bag the woman who makes his heart flutter, writes JOHN KARIUKI

Ever since the colonialist Ewart Grogan, after whom a Nairobi street is named, walked the 12,000 kilometres from Cape Town to Cairo to prove his love for his sweetheart, men have accomplished equally dubious feats to proclaim love.

Property ranging from commercial buildings, yachts, jet liners to cruise ships have changed ownership from men to women, all in the name of love.

And if we pore deep into history, most of the famous despots from Adolf Hitler to Idi Amin committed their worst atrocities either after being jilted by women or in an effort to impress them!

Steven, now a retired old man, remembers with amusement the many things he did for love in his illustrious youth.

"There was this girl in the village that I was crazy about. I would scratch a coin and make her keep it as a memento whenever I would be leaving for campus and later to work when I started working," he recalls with a wry smile. "And she would cut off a small lock of hair and slip it in my jacket as a keepsake till we met again."

Love letter

Then, there were no mobile phones and letters were the preferred mode of conveying love messages.

"It would take at least a day of poring over a good dictionary to produce a letter worth sending to a girlfriend, unlike now when dispatching a text message by phone is sheer laziness. I still remember writing poetry like, ‘I can swim the deepest ocean, cross the driest desert and climb the tallest mountain because of you,’" the old geezer recalls, a twinkle in the eye.

As often happens, Steve outgrew the village and expanded his horizons when he was employed at a factory in Nakuru and bought a Zephyr from a retiring mzungu. "I fell madly in love with a colleague," he says simply.

But over one Easter holiday, Steve journeyed to his home in Elburgon. While there, he learnt that one of his mzungu bosses had hosted his workmates, including his girlfriend, at an exclusive members club in Nakuru.

"I got mad and drove in record time to Nakuru swearing to teach the mzungu some manners," he recalls.

War

In the time-honoured manner of our people, Steve first went into a pub to fortify his nerves for the hard task ahead.

"I took three beers in quick succession and then burst into the party and went straight into war. I overturned all the drinks and issued unprintable insults in vernacular, some of which bordered on racist to my boss. I told him that Kenya was free and threatened that he wouldn’t take my girlfriend. The girls screamed while the men stared at me, deeply shocked. But the mzungu boss recovered first and jokingly asked what I had drunk that afternoon," recalls Steve.

"Man, this guy took only one and off he has gone on a nationalistic speech. Hey, let’s toast to ‘Kwame Nkrumah’ for the nice speech!" he cracked.

Police

The club management called the police and said Steve would have to pay Sh300, an enormous amount of money in the 1970s, for the damage he had caused.

"When the police Land Rover arrived at the club, I resigned myself to fate and offered my hands to be handcuffed," says Steve.

But a surprise was in store for him. His mzungu boss came out, belched and blinked in the hot sun.

"Who is spoiling the fun?" he asked, waving the policemen away. "I expect to see you on Monday, Steve," he said and walked back to the club.

As Steve drove back to Elburgon, his girlfriend besides him, his boss’s pardon angered him even more.

"I was in a terrible mood and did not notice the vehicle veering off the road and landing in a ditch," he says. "Luckily no one was hurt. The following Monday I gave my boss a handwritten apology, which he graciously accepted," says Steve.

But whereas everybody lived happily thereafter in Steve’s case, matters were different with Dan Wachira, a Nyahururu businessman, and his family. Wachira remembers his playboy brother travelling great distances in search of love.

Business collapse

"After school, my father gave him Sh20,000 in start up capital for a music and electronics store. But he would steal the money from himself to visit a girlfriend in Embu every weekend causing his business to collapse over and over," says Wachira.

"After the Embu adventure, my brother changed course and started visiting a new girlfriend in western Kenya," says Wachira. "Two more girlfriends and a whirlwind of travails across Kenya, we thought he had found true love in the fourth one. I don’t know how and where they met, but she was from Tana River County," says Wachira.

So smitten was he that in line with his sweetheart’s religious beliefs, which were traditionalist, he took a veritable vow of spiritual refinement and poverty and joined her cult.

"He sold off his entire business, donated the money to charity and moved in to live with his girlfriend’s people," says Wachira.

And that was the last they heard of him.

Seven insane things men do for love

1. Put her through college, when he can’t even read.

He can’t even spare a thought to his own improvement, but he will instead focus on the needs of the woman he loves.

2. Cut off friends and family

Literally turns his back on whoever dares to criticise or point out unpleasant truths about the woman he loves.

3. Marry in haste

The rush of hormones blinds men to the real deal and by the time sanity returns, it’s just too late.

4. Uproot from stability just to suit her

The carefully mapped out plans for his life is thrown out the window so as to be with that special woman.

5. Getting into debt because he just can’t say no

Sinks himself into debt just to ensure that all her wants are met.

6. Jeopardise his marriage or leave his decent wife for a harlot

He has a wife that many men would envy him for. She is devoted, loving and is there for him in every way. Yet the attraction for the loud-mouthed, non-ambitious woman proves too much for him to resist.

7. Pretend like crazy

A man who is mad for love will drive his friend’s car and pretend it’s his and take her to his cousin’s house and brag how he managed to acquire it so early in life.

- Maore Ithula