Pain of drama queens

By Edwin Makiche
She seldom comes home on time, never makes the matrimonial bed, drinks herself silly and picks fights with boys...
That may well describe the woes of a henpecked man but Mwangi firmly denies being ‘sat on’ by his woman. He says he has confirmed some women are wired to behave in a weird manner. When he met his wife Caroline while in college five years ago, it was love at first sight. The cute woman with an infectious smile was highly admired. However, rumour had it the girl had some strange habits especially when drunk. He dismissed the information as malicious and married her.
But he has since learnt the hard way never to judge a book by its cover.
When it came to matters of cleanliness, the love of his heart scored poorly.
"She never makes the bed and sometimes her dirty clothes, including panties, find their way into the sitting room and even to the kitchen. When it rains, she defies all the rules and walks over the carpet with mud-ridden shoes," he says of his spouse.
When Mwangi told her to style up, she became reactive and at one time posed: "If my mother never complained about my personality, who are you?"
Bossy wifeTo salvage the situation, Mwangi employed a house help who does all the laundry, makes their bed and cooks. He also has to contend with the frequent nagging by the bossy wife who wants to be treated like a queen, including having her fingernails trimmed and ears cleaned.
"I have given up on making her change," Mwangi says.
Spoilt girls are many and varied. There are those whose behaviour is a result of their parent’s failure to inculcate proper manners while others do it out of mischief and feminine ego.
There are those who handle children like play things and you might not discover she’s the child’s mother until you are told.
Robert says he knows of a mother in his estate who terrorises her family. The mother of five daughters and married to a teacher has no kind words for her family members and virtually every member has been called unkind words many times.
free spaectacle
She calls her daughters bitches, prostitutes, she-goats, snakes or anything to that effect. She is also known to use her underage children and husband to do everything including cooking and laundry. She is a frequent visitor to the slum brewers where she drinks herself insane. And that is when the estate is treated to a free spectacle when she utters any dirty word that comes to her mind.
For instance, she is often heard complaining about how her man, whom she refers to as ngetai (uncircumcised boy) fares poorly in his duties as a man. She also quarrels with neighbours and woe unto anyone who dares challenge her for she opens a can of worms by revealing which neighbour’s wife has an affair with whose husband and vice versa.
It is said her husband used to beat her but gave up when he realised she couldn’t change.
"She is the perpetual noisemaker and when the neighbours don’t hear her voice for a day or two, they fear she might be ill," says Robert.
Rose says that her grandmother looks cool and composed but until she takes a bottle of her favourite brew. The otherwise docile granny turns into a wild animal. She often strips naked while uttering unprintable words often directed at men. She also has a wild tendency for torching her house and so relatives are often faced with the task of restraining her from causing a disaster.
Mind your businessThere are spoilt girls who do things in total disregard of social norms. Lucy falls under this group. When you meet her along the street, she looks decent and organised but on a visit to her room, one could be forgiven to confuse it with a childs playroom. Strewn all over the room are dirty shoes and socks, clothes, half-smoked cigarettes, half-eaten fruits and beer bottles. All these items produce an unpleasant smell. But ask her why she is disorganised and she would tell you point blank to mind your business.
She says she is too busy to perform ‘silly’ chores like arranging her room or ironing clothes. She often stocks a week’s long laundry and gives it to someone else to wash.
But how can she survive with a man? She says that if all a man can see in her is a cook, then she’d better stay single forever. She maintains she is not prepared to change since that is the way she was brought up.
Well, what can you do if you have a spouse who drinks herself insane and wets her clothes, smokes passionately, answers you rudely and often picks fights with boys all wrapped up in one?
That is the disaster that is Geff’s wife. The man says that he must have been blind when he met her in Nairobi three years ago. Though she is a qualified and respected accountant, she fares badly on the family front.
Before the introduction of the Muthutho laws, she used to report home drunk anytime after midnight. During such times, she woke up the neighbours with her shouts.
According to Geff, the most humiliating situation is when his wife picks fights with other men and he is obliged to intervene and apologise on her behalf. Sometimes the woman turns against him and begins revealing his bedroom affairs. Their house help does all the chores including washing her dirty garments, for she wets them every time she goes for drinking parties.
Meet Conjestina, a short-tempered matatu tout. She is nicknamed after the famed Kenyan boxer Conjestina Achieng since she bears similar physical traits.
No diplomacyShe is always dressed in men’s outfits: safari boots, long jacket and jeans. Her hair is always short and when you shake her hand, you feel energy in her grip. But she is not just the run of the mill tout.
In this male dominated career, she has learned it is her wrists rather than diplomacy that keep off men from pestering her. She seems to be permanently engaged in a quarrel with her male counterparts and when things get thick, always count her to pull a man’s shirt and thump him.
For this, her male counterparts have learned to avoid her path or risk her generous blows.
She has been married twice but the husbands ran away after constant beatings from her.
Another woman whose character borders on the weird is Pauline, a university student and an ardent fan of Gor Mahia and Arsenal football clubs.
A chain smoker and drinker, Pauline is the kind of fanatic that does not mind throwing blows when her team is beaten. She is a gambler and is known to have lost a lot of money last season thanks to Arsenal’s poor performance.
But it’s not the love of the game that makes Pauline weird.
She was expelled from four different schools after leading other students to strike. At one time, she was remanded for beating her Maths teacher. But she still made it to campus where she is pursuing a degree in Mathematics.
Colleagues have learnt to avoid booking a room with her due to her wanting personality. She comes home late high on something and can jump into bed without removing her shoes.